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errant_janeHere's the drabble I did at work today:
The day Castiel meets Dean, he feels doubt for the first time. It's Dean's despair at the thought that God might actually exist that cuts through him. For most people, it is comfort. For Dean, it throws everything he knows into question, that God would let people suffer so, that God would want Dean out of hell.
His doubt triggers Castiel's, sharp and unexpected.
But it's not Dean's doubt that breaks him. After that, he fortified himself against it. It is the moment he realizes Dean trusted him. Castiel never had any hope of defending himself against Dean Winchester's faith.
***
Which led to my musings about why I want to, but can't quite hop fully onboard the Dean/Castiel ship. (Which is not to say I'm opposed to it. I fully acknowledge that these are my own issues and I'm certainly not trying to derail anyone else's enjoyment of the ship. Cool?)
It's mired in several layers of crazy, JSYK. Setting aside the whole porn issue, I am an OTPer at heart in that way that I love epic creepy obsessive pairings (See: Clark/Lex). And the thing is, Dean/Castiel is epic enough, but it seems fairly one-sided on Castiel's part. Rather, I have a much clearer picture of how Castiel feels about Dean than how Dean feels about Castiel. Dean's feelings on that remain rather murky in my head. Because Dean is still wholly devoted to Sam. Which brings me back to my OTP issues, because in order to ship them, I want Dean's feelings to be on (or at least near) the same level and I just don't think they are.
Not yet, anyway, and I will be interested to see the fallout of everything that went down in Lucifer Rising. I don't think at the point where we left Dean that he would know the first thing to do with the devotion of which Castiel is capable. Castiel is built for faith and following and I don't know that Dean has considered the ramifications of that beyond, "How can I use this to help Sam?" Which makes Dean sound usery. I don't necessarily mean it like that.
Castiel falls into an interesting slot in Dean's world. He is someone Dean doesn't need to protect, nor necessarily respect. In a weird way, Dean interacts with Castiel as something of an equal (sort of a, "Shh, Sam, the grown-ups are talking now and here's what we've decided"). The hubris of this is somewhat amusing, all things considered. Dean not only questions Castiel, but in some cases acts as though Castiel is accountable to him. He doesn't quite forget that Castiel might have his own agenda, but at the same time, he truly believes that Castiel is on his side. It's a weird sort of faith Dean has in Castiel, but it is, or has been to this point, based around keeping Sam safe.
Castiel is the brother-in-arms that Dean wants Sam to be (but often prevents Sam from being). WRT Sam, it is something akin to a more fucked-up version of Buffy re: Dawn in The Gift:
Dean is like that, but without the benefit of any semblance of the support system Buffy had. Castiel is Dean's first taste of having a Scooby. He doesn't know what to do with that, yet. Doesn't know how to reconcile what Castiel is and what he represents with the rest of his world. But Castiel has the potential to be something Dean has never had before, if Dean can get over himself enough to realize it. Dean has some issues.
I think I have hit rambling now, so I'll wrap it up.
In conclusion: I think Castiel is in love with Dean in an epic way. I reserve judgment on where Dean stands until we see how some of the stuff in S5 plays out (I AM SPOILER FREE!). I support Dean/Castielin email in theory, I just can't get it to play out the right way in my head. If that makes sense. If it doesn't, that's okay, too.
In the meantime, I'll be over here playing with Misha. (Heh. Dirty.)
The day Castiel meets Dean, he feels doubt for the first time. It's Dean's despair at the thought that God might actually exist that cuts through him. For most people, it is comfort. For Dean, it throws everything he knows into question, that God would let people suffer so, that God would want Dean out of hell.
His doubt triggers Castiel's, sharp and unexpected.
But it's not Dean's doubt that breaks him. After that, he fortified himself against it. It is the moment he realizes Dean trusted him. Castiel never had any hope of defending himself against Dean Winchester's faith.
***
Which led to my musings about why I want to, but can't quite hop fully onboard the Dean/Castiel ship. (Which is not to say I'm opposed to it. I fully acknowledge that these are my own issues and I'm certainly not trying to derail anyone else's enjoyment of the ship. Cool?)
It's mired in several layers of crazy, JSYK. Setting aside the whole porn issue, I am an OTPer at heart in that way that I love epic creepy obsessive pairings (See: Clark/Lex). And the thing is, Dean/Castiel is epic enough, but it seems fairly one-sided on Castiel's part. Rather, I have a much clearer picture of how Castiel feels about Dean than how Dean feels about Castiel. Dean's feelings on that remain rather murky in my head. Because Dean is still wholly devoted to Sam. Which brings me back to my OTP issues, because in order to ship them, I want Dean's feelings to be on (or at least near) the same level and I just don't think they are.
Not yet, anyway, and I will be interested to see the fallout of everything that went down in Lucifer Rising. I don't think at the point where we left Dean that he would know the first thing to do with the devotion of which Castiel is capable. Castiel is built for faith and following and I don't know that Dean has considered the ramifications of that beyond, "How can I use this to help Sam?" Which makes Dean sound usery. I don't necessarily mean it like that.
Castiel falls into an interesting slot in Dean's world. He is someone Dean doesn't need to protect, nor necessarily respect. In a weird way, Dean interacts with Castiel as something of an equal (sort of a, "Shh, Sam, the grown-ups are talking now and here's what we've decided"). The hubris of this is somewhat amusing, all things considered. Dean not only questions Castiel, but in some cases acts as though Castiel is accountable to him. He doesn't quite forget that Castiel might have his own agenda, but at the same time, he truly believes that Castiel is on his side. It's a weird sort of faith Dean has in Castiel, but it is, or has been to this point, based around keeping Sam safe.
Castiel is the brother-in-arms that Dean wants Sam to be (but often prevents Sam from being). WRT Sam, it is something akin to a more fucked-up version of Buffy re: Dawn in The Gift:
Giles: "If the ritual starts then every living creature in this and every other dimension imaginable will suffer unbearable torment and death... including Dawn."
Buffy: "Then the last thing she'll see is me protecting her."
Dean is like that, but without the benefit of any semblance of the support system Buffy had. Castiel is Dean's first taste of having a Scooby. He doesn't know what to do with that, yet. Doesn't know how to reconcile what Castiel is and what he represents with the rest of his world. But Castiel has the potential to be something Dean has never had before, if Dean can get over himself enough to realize it. Dean has some issues.
I think I have hit rambling now, so I'll wrap it up.
In conclusion: I think Castiel is in love with Dean in an epic way. I reserve judgment on where Dean stands until we see how some of the stuff in S5 plays out (I AM SPOILER FREE!). I support Dean/Castiel
In the meantime, I'll be over here playing with Misha. (Heh. Dirty.)
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Date: 2009-08-14 10:07 am (UTC)Then Cas comes along, and Dean's got someone who he's on even-keel with. He's got somebody who's willing to make huge sacrifices for him simply because Cas has so much faith in him, and Dean doesn't even have to do anything in return to earn that faith - Cas always has that resilient faith in him, no matter what. And for Dean, who was raised like a soldier with a constant mantra of "never good enough" from dear ol' Dad, that's gotta be refreshing. And also staggering.
I CONCUR. However, and this is just me, because I was raised like Dean minus the blood and salt and weapons training. I still deal with that shit, which is also why Dean gets right under my fucking skin the way he does...
Anywho, and this is neither here nor there with regards to Dean/Castiel, more just inappropriate sharing and caring time on my part, but here's the thing. I still, after five years together and nearly two years of marriage, wonder on a daily basis WTF hubby sees in me to have such a complete and encompassing faith and love. What makes him want to be with a wrecked pile of mostly mediocre like me. And my damage is not even as great as Dean's damage. Still, I think that Castiel's devotion scares the mother-fucking shit out of him and completely blindsides him in a way that he can't wrap his head around. Because he is NOT worthy of it and can never hope to be.(In his head anyway)I seriously think he may believe Sam loves and trusts him because he has to. But again, that may be how my padre twisted me talking.