Metaish: Hanging out on the gangplank of ship Dean/Castiel

[errant_jane]

Here's the drabble I did at work today:

The day Castiel meets Dean, he feels doubt for the first time. It's Dean's despair at the thought that God might actually exist that cuts through him. For most people, it is comfort. For Dean, it throws everything he knows into question, that God would let people suffer so, that God would want Dean out of hell.

His doubt triggers Castiel's, sharp and unexpected.

But it's not Dean's doubt that breaks him. After that, he fortified himself against it. It is the moment he realizes Dean trusted him. Castiel never had any hope of defending himself against Dean Winchester's faith.

***

Which led to my musings about why I want to, but can't quite hop fully onboard the Dean/Castiel ship. (Which is not to say I'm opposed to it. I fully acknowledge that these are my own issues and I'm certainly not trying to derail anyone else's enjoyment of the ship. Cool?)

It's mired in several layers of crazy, JSYK. Setting aside the whole porn issue, I am an OTPer at heart in that way that I love epic creepy obsessive pairings (See: Clark/Lex). And the thing is, Dean/Castiel is epic enough, but it seems fairly one-sided on Castiel's part. Rather, I have a much clearer picture of how Castiel feels about Dean than how Dean feels about Castiel. Dean's feelings on that remain rather murky in my head. Because Dean is still wholly devoted to Sam. Which brings me back to my OTP issues, because in order to ship them, I want Dean's feelings to be on (or at least near) the same level and I just don't think they are.

Not yet, anyway, and I will be interested to see the fallout of everything that went down in Lucifer Rising. I don't think at the point where we left Dean that he would know the first thing to do with the devotion of which Castiel is capable. Castiel is built for faith and following and I don't know that Dean has considered the ramifications of that beyond, "How can I use this to help Sam?" Which makes Dean sound usery. I don't necessarily mean it like that.

Castiel falls into an interesting slot in Dean's world. He is someone Dean doesn't need to protect, nor necessarily respect. In a weird way, Dean interacts with Castiel as something of an equal (sort of a, "Shh, Sam, the grown-ups are talking now and here's what we've decided"). The hubris of this is somewhat amusing, all things considered. Dean not only questions Castiel, but in some cases acts as though Castiel is accountable to him. He doesn't quite forget that Castiel might have his own agenda, but at the same time, he truly believes that Castiel is on his side. It's a weird sort of faith Dean has in Castiel, but it is, or has been to this point, based around keeping Sam safe.

Castiel is the brother-in-arms that Dean wants Sam to be (but often prevents Sam from being). WRT Sam, it is something akin to a more fucked-up version of Buffy re: Dawn in The Gift:

Giles: "If the ritual starts then every living creature in this and every other dimension imaginable will suffer unbearable torment and death... including Dawn."
Buffy: "Then the last thing she'll see is me protecting her."

Dean is like that, but without the benefit of any semblance of the support system Buffy had. Castiel is Dean's first taste of having a Scooby. He doesn't know what to do with that, yet. Doesn't know how to reconcile what Castiel is and what he represents with the rest of his world. But Castiel has the potential to be something Dean has never had before, if Dean can get over himself enough to realize it. Dean has some issues.

I think I have hit rambling now, so I'll wrap it up.

In conclusion: I think Castiel is in love with Dean in an epic way. I reserve judgment on where Dean stands until we see how some of the stuff in S5 plays out (I AM SPOILER FREE!). I support Dean/Castiel in email in theory, I just can't get it to play out the right way in my head. If that makes sense. If it doesn't, that's okay, too.

In the meantime, I'll be over here playing with Misha. (Heh. Dirty.)

Comments

[thevinegarworks.livejournal.com]

I would absolutely love to write pages and pages upon more pages, with a generous heaping of pages on top (and maybe some sprinkles too), listing all the reasons why Dean/Cas is an awesome pairing. Unfortunately I am very zombified by final exams right now and I would probably end up being detrimental to my own argument by trying to structure a sentence and ending up sounding like a completely dumbass. Sooooo yeah.

But I will say this: I think one of my favorite aspects, and one of the reasons why it's so easy for me to ship Dean/Cas (srsly, it's easier than breathing), is that Dean has never really had someone he can call a true friend before. He's never had someone like Cas. In viewing Dean's life, we have to take a huge step back and realize that he wasn't raised in a normal household - he didn't have friends from school growing up, like most people. He had his dad bossing him around like a slavedriver, and Sam, whom he had to practically raise as his own son due to John's constant absence. The only other constants in Dean's life are Bobby, who is more of an inheritance than Dean's own friend (he was John's friend first, and they only really grew close after John's death, etc. - not to knock on Bobby because, hello, HE'S BOBBY, THE QUINTESSENTIAL GQMF, but I digress), and the Impala, who... well, she doesn't really apply to this conversation.

Then Cas comes along, and Dean's got someone who he's on even-keel with. He's got somebody who's willing to make huge sacrifices for him simply because Cas has so much faith in him, and Dean doesn't even have to do anything in return to earn that faith - Cas always has that resilient faith in him, no matter what. And for Dean, who was raised like a soldier with a constant mantra of "never good enough" from dear ol' Dad, that's gotta be refreshing. And also staggering.

With Sam, Dean has always had to (and always will, even if it's unwarranted) play the role of "protector" - the big brother, the one who's always got to watch his little brother's back. But with Cas, he doesn't have to do that. He doesn't have to put on any masks or fronts - he can be himself and express his concerns freely, without the armor of a predetermined role.

...Shit, there was like way more I was going to say here, but I literally just COMPLETELY FORGOT mid-sentence.

Fuck you too, finals. Fuck you too. >.<

But hey, diversity is what makes us interesting after all. To each his own; not everyone can get behind the same ships, though GOD WHY AND HOW THE HELL CAN YOU DENY DEAN/CAS?! and I respect the fact that you're "trying." I think maybe you just need some quality convincing, hmmm? ;)

But hey, in the meantime, you've got the crackgod that is Misha to tide you over. \o/

[errant-jane.livejournal.com]

I do not deny any of these arguments, bb. I agree 100%. It is really just my crazy OTP issues more than anything else. Which is, I want crazy OTP devotion and I don't think that Dean would choose Castiel over Sam. I don't even want him to, because, Dean. Srsly. It is crazycakes OTP issues.

though GOD WHY AND HOW THE HELL CAN YOU DENY DEAN/CAS?!

I DON'T DENY THEM!! Onscreen, I think they are the hottest fucking thing since Spike/Buffy (which, uh, I thought was really hot). HOT LIKE BURNING. I've even written it. Sort of...

and I respect the fact that you're "trying." I think maybe you just need some quality convincing, hmmm? ;)

This is entirely possible. I'm open to convincing. I was just saying to KK that maybe my hang-up is simply that I haven't read the right fics that deal with the Sam factor. IDK. I may have gotten distracted by Misha before I delved too far...

[thevinegarworks.livejournal.com]

I think one of the main problems is that a lot of people just shuffle Sam off to the back burner somewhere so they can focus solely on Dean/Cas, when...really, you can't do that. He's Sam. Dean's not ever going to just brush him off. I think a large majority of fics do that, though, and it makes me sad, because in actuality there is no Dean without Sam, and vice versa.

I think people make too big of a deal over Dean "choosing" between Sam and Castiel, honestly. Who ever said he has to choose? The love he feels for Sam is all-encompassing, yes, but it's not to say he can't also feel love for someone else as well, just in a different capacity. I don't think he has to necessarily choose at all - why can't he just love both? He's of course always going to be devoted to Sam, but who's to say Castiel wouldn't understand that?

I think that Castiel is perfectly willing to accept Dean's undying devotion to his brother. He understands it and even seems supportive. It's not like Cas is a whiny prom date going "HAY HAY HAY PAY MOAR ATTENTION TO ME *FLAIL*", I mean. He knows that Sam will always come first, and understands and accepts that. And really I think he's just about the only person (thing?) that would put up with Dean's crap anyway, on this front and many others. ;)

When my brain starts working again, I'll compile some links for you of good, well-thought-out Dean/Cas fics, y/y?

And yes. Misha is very distracting indeed. He pretty much singlehandedly dragged me back into RPS when I'd previously sworn it off for like SIX YEARS BEFORE WTFFFFFFF. He's just so shiny and pretty and and and.... shiny...

[errant-jane.livejournal.com]

THIS!!! All of it. ITA.

y! Links, plz.

Misha is my bulletproof kink. True stories.

[kriari.livejournal.com]

O.O

Yes pleases and thank you. Help meeee convert!

I am woefully inadequate in my underhanded conversion. Probably because I am still in the denial to acceptance phase of my OTP evolution.

I have absolutely read fic that deals appropriately with the Sam question, but I am horrible at compiling links and memming because I FAIL AT LIFE.

[kriari.livejournal.com]

Man I am butting in like a freaking butting thing. *hands*

Then Cas comes along, and Dean's got someone who he's on even-keel with. He's got somebody who's willing to make huge sacrifices for him simply because Cas has so much faith in him, and Dean doesn't even have to do anything in return to earn that faith - Cas always has that resilient faith in him, no matter what. And for Dean, who was raised like a soldier with a constant mantra of "never good enough" from dear ol' Dad, that's gotta be refreshing. And also staggering.

I CONCUR. However, and this is just me, because I was raised like Dean minus the blood and salt and weapons training. I still deal with that shit, which is also why Dean gets right under my fucking skin the way he does...

Anywho, and this is neither here nor there with regards to Dean/Castiel, more just inappropriate sharing and caring time on my part, but here's the thing. I still, after five years together and nearly two years of marriage, wonder on a daily basis WTF hubby sees in me to have such a complete and encompassing faith and love. What makes him want to be with a wrecked pile of mostly mediocre like me. And my damage is not even as great as Dean's damage. Still, I think that Castiel's devotion scares the mother-fucking shit out of him and completely blindsides him in a way that he can't wrap his head around. Because he is NOT worthy of it and can never hope to be.(In his head anyway)I seriously think he may believe Sam loves and trusts him because he has to. But again, that may be how my padre twisted me talking.