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errant_janeHere's the drabble I did at work today:
The day Castiel meets Dean, he feels doubt for the first time. It's Dean's despair at the thought that God might actually exist that cuts through him. For most people, it is comfort. For Dean, it throws everything he knows into question, that God would let people suffer so, that God would want Dean out of hell.
His doubt triggers Castiel's, sharp and unexpected.
But it's not Dean's doubt that breaks him. After that, he fortified himself against it. It is the moment he realizes Dean trusted him. Castiel never had any hope of defending himself against Dean Winchester's faith.
***
Which led to my musings about why I want to, but can't quite hop fully onboard the Dean/Castiel ship. (Which is not to say I'm opposed to it. I fully acknowledge that these are my own issues and I'm certainly not trying to derail anyone else's enjoyment of the ship. Cool?)
It's mired in several layers of crazy, JSYK. Setting aside the whole porn issue, I am an OTPer at heart in that way that I love epic creepy obsessive pairings (See: Clark/Lex). And the thing is, Dean/Castiel is epic enough, but it seems fairly one-sided on Castiel's part. Rather, I have a much clearer picture of how Castiel feels about Dean than how Dean feels about Castiel. Dean's feelings on that remain rather murky in my head. Because Dean is still wholly devoted to Sam. Which brings me back to my OTP issues, because in order to ship them, I want Dean's feelings to be on (or at least near) the same level and I just don't think they are.
Not yet, anyway, and I will be interested to see the fallout of everything that went down in Lucifer Rising. I don't think at the point where we left Dean that he would know the first thing to do with the devotion of which Castiel is capable. Castiel is built for faith and following and I don't know that Dean has considered the ramifications of that beyond, "How can I use this to help Sam?" Which makes Dean sound usery. I don't necessarily mean it like that.
Castiel falls into an interesting slot in Dean's world. He is someone Dean doesn't need to protect, nor necessarily respect. In a weird way, Dean interacts with Castiel as something of an equal (sort of a, "Shh, Sam, the grown-ups are talking now and here's what we've decided"). The hubris of this is somewhat amusing, all things considered. Dean not only questions Castiel, but in some cases acts as though Castiel is accountable to him. He doesn't quite forget that Castiel might have his own agenda, but at the same time, he truly believes that Castiel is on his side. It's a weird sort of faith Dean has in Castiel, but it is, or has been to this point, based around keeping Sam safe.
Castiel is the brother-in-arms that Dean wants Sam to be (but often prevents Sam from being). WRT Sam, it is something akin to a more fucked-up version of Buffy re: Dawn in The Gift:
Dean is like that, but without the benefit of any semblance of the support system Buffy had. Castiel is Dean's first taste of having a Scooby. He doesn't know what to do with that, yet. Doesn't know how to reconcile what Castiel is and what he represents with the rest of his world. But Castiel has the potential to be something Dean has never had before, if Dean can get over himself enough to realize it. Dean has some issues.
I think I have hit rambling now, so I'll wrap it up.
In conclusion: I think Castiel is in love with Dean in an epic way. I reserve judgment on where Dean stands until we see how some of the stuff in S5 plays out (I AM SPOILER FREE!). I support Dean/Castielin email in theory, I just can't get it to play out the right way in my head. If that makes sense. If it doesn't, that's okay, too.
In the meantime, I'll be over here playing with Misha. (Heh. Dirty.)
The day Castiel meets Dean, he feels doubt for the first time. It's Dean's despair at the thought that God might actually exist that cuts through him. For most people, it is comfort. For Dean, it throws everything he knows into question, that God would let people suffer so, that God would want Dean out of hell.
His doubt triggers Castiel's, sharp and unexpected.
But it's not Dean's doubt that breaks him. After that, he fortified himself against it. It is the moment he realizes Dean trusted him. Castiel never had any hope of defending himself against Dean Winchester's faith.
***
Which led to my musings about why I want to, but can't quite hop fully onboard the Dean/Castiel ship. (Which is not to say I'm opposed to it. I fully acknowledge that these are my own issues and I'm certainly not trying to derail anyone else's enjoyment of the ship. Cool?)
It's mired in several layers of crazy, JSYK. Setting aside the whole porn issue, I am an OTPer at heart in that way that I love epic creepy obsessive pairings (See: Clark/Lex). And the thing is, Dean/Castiel is epic enough, but it seems fairly one-sided on Castiel's part. Rather, I have a much clearer picture of how Castiel feels about Dean than how Dean feels about Castiel. Dean's feelings on that remain rather murky in my head. Because Dean is still wholly devoted to Sam. Which brings me back to my OTP issues, because in order to ship them, I want Dean's feelings to be on (or at least near) the same level and I just don't think they are.
Not yet, anyway, and I will be interested to see the fallout of everything that went down in Lucifer Rising. I don't think at the point where we left Dean that he would know the first thing to do with the devotion of which Castiel is capable. Castiel is built for faith and following and I don't know that Dean has considered the ramifications of that beyond, "How can I use this to help Sam?" Which makes Dean sound usery. I don't necessarily mean it like that.
Castiel falls into an interesting slot in Dean's world. He is someone Dean doesn't need to protect, nor necessarily respect. In a weird way, Dean interacts with Castiel as something of an equal (sort of a, "Shh, Sam, the grown-ups are talking now and here's what we've decided"). The hubris of this is somewhat amusing, all things considered. Dean not only questions Castiel, but in some cases acts as though Castiel is accountable to him. He doesn't quite forget that Castiel might have his own agenda, but at the same time, he truly believes that Castiel is on his side. It's a weird sort of faith Dean has in Castiel, but it is, or has been to this point, based around keeping Sam safe.
Castiel is the brother-in-arms that Dean wants Sam to be (but often prevents Sam from being). WRT Sam, it is something akin to a more fucked-up version of Buffy re: Dawn in The Gift:
Giles: "If the ritual starts then every living creature in this and every other dimension imaginable will suffer unbearable torment and death... including Dawn."
Buffy: "Then the last thing she'll see is me protecting her."
Dean is like that, but without the benefit of any semblance of the support system Buffy had. Castiel is Dean's first taste of having a Scooby. He doesn't know what to do with that, yet. Doesn't know how to reconcile what Castiel is and what he represents with the rest of his world. But Castiel has the potential to be something Dean has never had before, if Dean can get over himself enough to realize it. Dean has some issues.
I think I have hit rambling now, so I'll wrap it up.
In conclusion: I think Castiel is in love with Dean in an epic way. I reserve judgment on where Dean stands until we see how some of the stuff in S5 plays out (I AM SPOILER FREE!). I support Dean/Castiel
In the meantime, I'll be over here playing with Misha. (Heh. Dirty.)
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(no subject)
Date: 2009-08-14 01:14 am (UTC)THEIR LOVEISSOEPIC! IT TRANSCENDS THE STARS AND FUCKING CARE BEARS!
Okay. I can't even troll properly. We both know where I stand on this issue. On the dock, scuffing the toes of my shoes against the wet splintering wood, looking longingly up at freaking awesome yacht and wondering if I'm really ready to take that cruise.
And by that I mean, I'm done for.
Because the inequities are what entrance me. The act of bridging and closing gaps as much as they can be closed. And then when you've almost got everything laced up tight and perfect the ribbon starts to fray and an eyelet starts to bulge and then the whole thing just falls sort of cockeyed and imperfect but still beautiful in it's disheveled way.
That's Cas and Dean to me. The inevitable, unavoidable push and pull where they are never quite in the same place at the same time. Except for teeny moments that make it worth it. I just...yeah.
I'll stop stealing your meta now.
FTWDUDE DEANANDCAS4EVA!!!! (I mean this with the utmost sincerity. I do.)
(no subject)
Date: 2009-08-14 02:03 am (UTC)ALSO SO'S YOUR FACE!!
Because the inequities are what entrance me.
See, I'm just too much of a silly romantic. I want Dean to be as obsessed with Castiel as Castiel is with him. IDEFK, dude. I have weird fic issues.
(no subject)
Date: 2009-08-14 02:16 am (UTC)SO'S YOUR FACE. AND STUFF.
It would be nice, but Dean's obsession is not meant for anyone but the Sam. And see, that's not something you can really put in PWP, but hell you try. Or I try anyway. I mean, Sam is like an undercurrent in everything Dean is. It's kind of creepy, but he'll always be there in any relationship Dean has. Okay, my pro Cas 'n' Dean post is bleeding again. *shuts up*
(no subject)
Date: 2009-08-14 02:32 am (UTC)I mean, Sam is like an undercurrent in everything Dean is. It's kind of creepy, but he'll always be there in any relationship Dean has.
Ah, the Winchesters. Bringin' the creepywrong since 2005.