SPN Fic: So Far Gone (spoilery for 5x04)
Oct. 5th, 2009 06:28 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
errant_janeSo, part of this popped into my head last night and I felt kind of compelled to write it. I don't know. It was grey and rainy today? *hands* Anyone for angsty Castiel gen fic?
ETA: Headers
Title: So Far Gone
Genre: Gen
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: For 5x04
Summary: Sam made Dean human. Dean made Cas human. That equation is off, but Cas is usually too stoned to remember why. The punchline goes something like this: By the time Cas gained his humanity, Dean had been all but stripped of his.
***
Perhaps the most surprising aspect of becoming human is how very few of his memories Cas retains. As an angel, he remembered every moment of his existence. But the human memory is muddled and indistinct, cluttered with emotions and inconsequential details. Cas spent months wandering around feeling as though he had been struck dumb. Blind and deaf were a given.
Which is not entirely true. Cas actually can’t remember what the most surprising thing about becoming human was. He has, however, developed a profound appreciation for irony. It’s been his most reliable companion these past few years.
For example, it isn’t until the other Dean shows up from 2009 that Cas remembers he was once Castiel. It’s funny because Dean’s the one who gave him his stupid nickname in the first place. What's sad is there was a time when he was charmed by it.
It’s been awhile.
***
The first time he and Dean came to blows, Cas doesn’t recall the words they exchanged, only that he was frustrated. Angry to the point of stupidity and he dared question their fearless leader in front of the grunts. Maybe he shoved him.
Dean knocked Cas on his ass, several times until he planted a boot in the center of his chest and said, "Dammit, Cas, stay down." He dismissed their audience with a few terse words before directly addressing him again.
"Look, I get that you’re pissed and I’m sorry you lost your mojo. More than you know." Dean grimaced at that. "Quite frankly, we could use all the help we can get. But short of getting it back, you are not more useful to me than anyone else here. You pull something like that again and we’re done."
We're done.
It was the second time Dean had uttered those words to him. The first time prompted Cas to disobedience. The second was meant to keep him in line.
Cas is almost certain that there, lying on the ground with Dean’s footprint on his chest, is the first time he ever truly felt hate.
Stay down.
As if there were any other option left open to him.
***
Dean changed the day they found out about Detroit. About Sam. The day their war was well and truly lost.
The angels left shortly after that. With Lucifer in his rightful vessel and Michael without one, they had no other endgame.
Which means that Dean is no longer their leader because he was chosen by Heaven, by a God who doesn't exist. He isn't special, worthy or extraordinary. All that's left of Dean is brute strength, a soldier's training and more knowledge than most about what is actually going on. In troubled times, people will follow anyone stupid or arrogant enough to take charge. In America they still play at voting on it.
Cas told Dean he should run for president once. Dean wasn't amused.
It is the Dean from the past that reminds Cas that he'd actually made the choice to follow him once upon a time. Dean from 2009, where he and Sam were still talking.
Sam made Dean human. Dean made Cas human. That equation is off, but Cas is usually too stoned to remember why. The punchline goes something like this: By the time Cas gained his humanity, Dean had been all but stripped of his.
Timing has always been an issue with them.
***
Sometime after sex and before drugs, Cas truly discovers Buddhism. The whole nirvana concept seemed odd to him at first, but more and more, he finds the idea of nothingness very appealing. He works on meditation, on releasing the hate from his heart and replacing it with love.
It is only when that doesn’t work that he picks up recreational drug use, the shortcut to oblivion humans have relied on for centuries. This obviously irritates Dean, but for some reason he never comments and their new dynamic is born. Cas gets shit done when he needs to and is allowed his distractions in return. As if Dean has ever had the right to comment on distractions.
Cas thought himself thoroughly numbed, but when the old Dean arrives, hope spikes through him, hot and painful. For the first time, Cas hopes that this isn't his life. That he hasn't become this weak and pathetic thing. Maybe they are all simply in a pocket universe of Zachariah's making.
Hope is followed by self-loathing stronger than he's felt in years. His Dean was that Dean and Cas knows all too well the path they've been tripping along. Knows the part he played in creating it. But a few quips from a Dean Cas never knew in a mortal context and he is once again ready to follow him to the end of time.
Except they're already there and Cas is an idiot.
There aren't enough drugs in the world to stop all the things that Cas is feeling. It doesn't keep him from trying.
***
Cas would rather not know that he's driving to his death, but that's hardly the point of anything. The other Dean is sitting beside him and that was the first inkling Cas had that Dean has a plan.
If Cas was not meant to be part of Zachariah's lesson, he is at least a part of Dean's. Dean wants his past self to see Cas brought so low. He wants his past self to see Sam, which is either completely brilliant or completely stupid. Cas has stopped trying to guess which when it comes to Dean.
So maybe his Dean is not completely without his humanity. He knows himself well enough to know he'll never say yes to Michael. Knows that if he is not affected by the sight of Lucifer, there was a time when he would have been.
Not that it matters now. In this reality, in this time, their course is set, their futures sealed. Oblivion is on the horizon and all Cas can feel is relief.
Which is not entirely true. The bitch of it is, Cas still believes in Dean with a faith that runs through him, deep and unshakable. It makes him want to laugh. Under his relief, Cas feels hope. He wants Dean's plan to work, for him to go back and change things. Then this world can fade away into nothing, a different sort of oblivion.
Perhaps the most surprising aspect of being human is how many things Cas wants to forget.
ETA: Headers
Title: So Far Gone
Genre: Gen
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: For 5x04
Summary: Sam made Dean human. Dean made Cas human. That equation is off, but Cas is usually too stoned to remember why. The punchline goes something like this: By the time Cas gained his humanity, Dean had been all but stripped of his.
***
Perhaps the most surprising aspect of becoming human is how very few of his memories Cas retains. As an angel, he remembered every moment of his existence. But the human memory is muddled and indistinct, cluttered with emotions and inconsequential details. Cas spent months wandering around feeling as though he had been struck dumb. Blind and deaf were a given.
Which is not entirely true. Cas actually can’t remember what the most surprising thing about becoming human was. He has, however, developed a profound appreciation for irony. It’s been his most reliable companion these past few years.
For example, it isn’t until the other Dean shows up from 2009 that Cas remembers he was once Castiel. It’s funny because Dean’s the one who gave him his stupid nickname in the first place. What's sad is there was a time when he was charmed by it.
It’s been awhile.
***
The first time he and Dean came to blows, Cas doesn’t recall the words they exchanged, only that he was frustrated. Angry to the point of stupidity and he dared question their fearless leader in front of the grunts. Maybe he shoved him.
Dean knocked Cas on his ass, several times until he planted a boot in the center of his chest and said, "Dammit, Cas, stay down." He dismissed their audience with a few terse words before directly addressing him again.
"Look, I get that you’re pissed and I’m sorry you lost your mojo. More than you know." Dean grimaced at that. "Quite frankly, we could use all the help we can get. But short of getting it back, you are not more useful to me than anyone else here. You pull something like that again and we’re done."
We're done.
It was the second time Dean had uttered those words to him. The first time prompted Cas to disobedience. The second was meant to keep him in line.
Cas is almost certain that there, lying on the ground with Dean’s footprint on his chest, is the first time he ever truly felt hate.
Stay down.
As if there were any other option left open to him.
***
Dean changed the day they found out about Detroit. About Sam. The day their war was well and truly lost.
The angels left shortly after that. With Lucifer in his rightful vessel and Michael without one, they had no other endgame.
Which means that Dean is no longer their leader because he was chosen by Heaven, by a God who doesn't exist. He isn't special, worthy or extraordinary. All that's left of Dean is brute strength, a soldier's training and more knowledge than most about what is actually going on. In troubled times, people will follow anyone stupid or arrogant enough to take charge. In America they still play at voting on it.
Cas told Dean he should run for president once. Dean wasn't amused.
It is the Dean from the past that reminds Cas that he'd actually made the choice to follow him once upon a time. Dean from 2009, where he and Sam were still talking.
Sam made Dean human. Dean made Cas human. That equation is off, but Cas is usually too stoned to remember why. The punchline goes something like this: By the time Cas gained his humanity, Dean had been all but stripped of his.
Timing has always been an issue with them.
***
Sometime after sex and before drugs, Cas truly discovers Buddhism. The whole nirvana concept seemed odd to him at first, but more and more, he finds the idea of nothingness very appealing. He works on meditation, on releasing the hate from his heart and replacing it with love.
It is only when that doesn’t work that he picks up recreational drug use, the shortcut to oblivion humans have relied on for centuries. This obviously irritates Dean, but for some reason he never comments and their new dynamic is born. Cas gets shit done when he needs to and is allowed his distractions in return. As if Dean has ever had the right to comment on distractions.
Cas thought himself thoroughly numbed, but when the old Dean arrives, hope spikes through him, hot and painful. For the first time, Cas hopes that this isn't his life. That he hasn't become this weak and pathetic thing. Maybe they are all simply in a pocket universe of Zachariah's making.
Hope is followed by self-loathing stronger than he's felt in years. His Dean was that Dean and Cas knows all too well the path they've been tripping along. Knows the part he played in creating it. But a few quips from a Dean Cas never knew in a mortal context and he is once again ready to follow him to the end of time.
Except they're already there and Cas is an idiot.
There aren't enough drugs in the world to stop all the things that Cas is feeling. It doesn't keep him from trying.
***
Cas would rather not know that he's driving to his death, but that's hardly the point of anything. The other Dean is sitting beside him and that was the first inkling Cas had that Dean has a plan.
If Cas was not meant to be part of Zachariah's lesson, he is at least a part of Dean's. Dean wants his past self to see Cas brought so low. He wants his past self to see Sam, which is either completely brilliant or completely stupid. Cas has stopped trying to guess which when it comes to Dean.
So maybe his Dean is not completely without his humanity. He knows himself well enough to know he'll never say yes to Michael. Knows that if he is not affected by the sight of Lucifer, there was a time when he would have been.
Not that it matters now. In this reality, in this time, their course is set, their futures sealed. Oblivion is on the horizon and all Cas can feel is relief.
Which is not entirely true. The bitch of it is, Cas still believes in Dean with a faith that runs through him, deep and unshakable. It makes him want to laugh. Under his relief, Cas feels hope. He wants Dean's plan to work, for him to go back and change things. Then this world can fade away into nothing, a different sort of oblivion.
Perhaps the most surprising aspect of being human is how many things Cas wants to forget.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2009-10-07 12:28 am (UTC)You captured that entire episode here. *waves hands wildly* This has so many beautiful, insightful lines. I want to highlight it and bring it to class. :)
(no subject)
Date: 2009-10-07 01:58 am (UTC)