Crackfic too ridiculous to title II
Sep. 22nd, 2009 09:45 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
errant_janeI feel like people either don't believe me when I say I should not be encouraged, or they just don't care.
I think this is another one of those things that I don't title because I feel like that would give it a validity it doesn't deserve. I'm pretty sure I get to blame![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
rhythmsextion for this? I wrote it to make up for my last angstypants story. ANYWAY, utterly ridiculous, spoilers through 5x02.
***
They're not fifteen minutes out from the rest stop when Sam realizes that he has to pee. He'd meant to go before, but what with the whole break up and all, it kind of would have ruined his dramatic exit. He turns to look at. Shit. What's the guy's name? "Hey, uh..."
"Steve," the guy says tersely.
Right. Steve. How can he forget Steve? In Sam's defense, he has stuff on his mind. "Um, can we pull over? I kind of have to pee."
Steve gives him a look, like he's not pretty enough to be worth this much trouble. And like maybe he thinks Sam is mildly retarded. "We just left a rest stop."
"Yeah. I know. I just, um. I'll be really quick?" Sam gives him his best, 'I am harmless and empathetic and adorable' face.
"Fine." Steve pulls over to the side of the road and, to his credit, doesn't pull away as soon as Sam gets out of the truck.
Sam walks a few feet into the foliage, unzips and goes about his business. There are a thousand reasons that Sam has come up with as to why he and Dean splitting up is a bad idea. They range from serious end-of-the-world scenarios (what if they have the whole final battle thing without him?) to the slightly ludicrous (who will switch the music when Dean decides suddenly that he wants to listen to Metallica over Warrant?).
Turning into a chipmunk never factored into any of his scenarios. But that is exactly what happens the moment his urine hits the stupid tree and there is no possible way Sam's life could get more ridiculous.
The truck starts up and drives off, then, because that's just how his day is going. Sam wonders if there's any chance that Dean's still at the rest stop, if he would hang out long enough for Sam to make it back on his tiny chipmunk legs.
Just when it seems that all hope is lost, Sam hears a familiar rumble and there's just no way he's that lucky. He scrambles up a tree near the road and peers out of the branches and, yes! That's the Impala. There's not really any time to think, what with how fast Dean's driving, so Sam has nothing to do but pray his timing is right and leap.
He hits the windshield with a thud and scrambles for purchase as Dean emits a high-pitched scream and slams on the breaks.
Oddly, the pavement hurts more than the windshield did.
"Holy shit!" he hears Dean say.
When Sam's vision clears Dean is standing over him with a confused look on his face. "Sammy?"
Sam looks at him and then nods vigorously, which he maybe shouldn't do with the possible concussion and all. Can you get a concussion as a chipmunk? Also, how in the hell did Dean know it was him?
Dean shrugs. "You have that expression on your face." He picks Sam up and dusts him off.
Sure. Why not?
"So, um, I guess we should." Dean gestures in a way that means nothing at all and then frowns. "Don't look at me like that. Like I'm going to just leave you by the side of the road as a tiny helpless rodent."
The idea of biting Dean to show him just how helpless he is crosses Sam's mind, but he discards it. Instead he says, "Oh, blow me," expecting it to come out in nonsensical chitters, of course. But it comes out in definite words and he sounds like freaking Chip from the Chip 'n Dale cartoons (the old Disney ones, not Rescue Rangers) and Sam claps his paws over his mouth in reaction.
Dean looks like he just found the channel with free porn. "What was that?" he asks gleefully.
"Look, we don't have time for this bullshit, Dean." It comes out in one high-pitched squeaky rush. "I think it was a cursed tree."
"I'm sorry, I don't think I got that last part." Dean leans closer and cups his hand around his ear. "What did you say?"
"A CURSED TREE! A CURSED TREE!!" Sam yells.
Dean laughs like he might explode, accidentally (Sam is giving him the benefit of the doubt here) squeezing Sam a little as he does so. Then, "Alright, Sammy. Let's find your tree."
**
They do find it, but things just go from bad to worse.
"This is the tree?" Dean asks, even though it clearly is. Sam's clothes are there in a pile, even. "This is the tree, out of all the trees around here, that you chose to pee on?"
Granted, he has a point. The tree is old, grey and gnarled, ominous looking even in the bright, cheery sunlight.
"Bite me," Sam says, irritated. "I had some things on my mind."
"Yeah." Dean's smile dims a little. "Yeah, I get that." He scratches the back of his neck and says, "Think you'll change back if we just burn it down?"
***
Somehow they manage to not burn the entire forest down and Sam does, in fact, change back. He dresses hastily in the only clothes he has left, which are only slightly singed. "Thanks. For that."
Dean nods. "Sure thing."
"So," they both say at the same time and then laugh.
Awkward.
"So I've been thinking about this whole going our separate ways thing," Dean says.
"Yeah?" Sam can't quite quell the hope that blooms in his chest at that.
"Yeah. I think that maybe it's a stupid idea. And, um, dude. You don't even have any clothes now. Also, if you're gonna do stupid shit, I should at least be around to tell you, right?"
"Jesus, Dean!" Sam can't quite keep the annoyance out of his voice.
"Plus! I have at least three years' worth of mocking material with that chipmunk thing. If you're not around, how am I supposed to use it?"
"Whatever."
"Just get in the car, Sam." Dean walks around to the driver's side.
Sam slides into his seat instead of arguing, but as Dean starts up the engine, he has to ask. "We're still not okay, are we?"
Dean sighs. "There ain't nothin' about anything that's okay right now." He glances at Sam out of the corner of his eye. "But we might as well be not okay together, right?"
Shit's going to have to come out sooner or later and it's not going to be pretty when it does, but for the moment Sam decides to just settle back in his seat and smile. "You get six Chip 'n Dale jokes."
"No way. Not a chance. Sky's the limit on that, brother."
Sam closes his eyes and smiles as Dean begins to sing, "I'm Chip, I'm Dale, we're just a couple of crazy rascals out to have some fun!"
I think this is another one of those things that I don't title because I feel like that would give it a validity it doesn't deserve. I'm pretty sure I get to blame
rhythmsextion for this? I wrote it to make up for my last angstypants story. ANYWAY, utterly ridiculous, spoilers through 5x02.***
They're not fifteen minutes out from the rest stop when Sam realizes that he has to pee. He'd meant to go before, but what with the whole break up and all, it kind of would have ruined his dramatic exit. He turns to look at. Shit. What's the guy's name? "Hey, uh..."
"Steve," the guy says tersely.
Right. Steve. How can he forget Steve? In Sam's defense, he has stuff on his mind. "Um, can we pull over? I kind of have to pee."
Steve gives him a look, like he's not pretty enough to be worth this much trouble. And like maybe he thinks Sam is mildly retarded. "We just left a rest stop."
"Yeah. I know. I just, um. I'll be really quick?" Sam gives him his best, 'I am harmless and empathetic and adorable' face.
"Fine." Steve pulls over to the side of the road and, to his credit, doesn't pull away as soon as Sam gets out of the truck.
Sam walks a few feet into the foliage, unzips and goes about his business. There are a thousand reasons that Sam has come up with as to why he and Dean splitting up is a bad idea. They range from serious end-of-the-world scenarios (what if they have the whole final battle thing without him?) to the slightly ludicrous (who will switch the music when Dean decides suddenly that he wants to listen to Metallica over Warrant?).
Turning into a chipmunk never factored into any of his scenarios. But that is exactly what happens the moment his urine hits the stupid tree and there is no possible way Sam's life could get more ridiculous.
The truck starts up and drives off, then, because that's just how his day is going. Sam wonders if there's any chance that Dean's still at the rest stop, if he would hang out long enough for Sam to make it back on his tiny chipmunk legs.
Just when it seems that all hope is lost, Sam hears a familiar rumble and there's just no way he's that lucky. He scrambles up a tree near the road and peers out of the branches and, yes! That's the Impala. There's not really any time to think, what with how fast Dean's driving, so Sam has nothing to do but pray his timing is right and leap.
He hits the windshield with a thud and scrambles for purchase as Dean emits a high-pitched scream and slams on the breaks.
Oddly, the pavement hurts more than the windshield did.
"Holy shit!" he hears Dean say.
When Sam's vision clears Dean is standing over him with a confused look on his face. "Sammy?"
Sam looks at him and then nods vigorously, which he maybe shouldn't do with the possible concussion and all. Can you get a concussion as a chipmunk? Also, how in the hell did Dean know it was him?
Dean shrugs. "You have that expression on your face." He picks Sam up and dusts him off.
Sure. Why not?
"So, um, I guess we should." Dean gestures in a way that means nothing at all and then frowns. "Don't look at me like that. Like I'm going to just leave you by the side of the road as a tiny helpless rodent."
The idea of biting Dean to show him just how helpless he is crosses Sam's mind, but he discards it. Instead he says, "Oh, blow me," expecting it to come out in nonsensical chitters, of course. But it comes out in definite words and he sounds like freaking Chip from the Chip 'n Dale cartoons (the old Disney ones, not Rescue Rangers) and Sam claps his paws over his mouth in reaction.
Dean looks like he just found the channel with free porn. "What was that?" he asks gleefully.
"Look, we don't have time for this bullshit, Dean." It comes out in one high-pitched squeaky rush. "I think it was a cursed tree."
"I'm sorry, I don't think I got that last part." Dean leans closer and cups his hand around his ear. "What did you say?"
"A CURSED TREE! A CURSED TREE!!" Sam yells.
Dean laughs like he might explode, accidentally (Sam is giving him the benefit of the doubt here) squeezing Sam a little as he does so. Then, "Alright, Sammy. Let's find your tree."
**
They do find it, but things just go from bad to worse.
"This is the tree?" Dean asks, even though it clearly is. Sam's clothes are there in a pile, even. "This is the tree, out of all the trees around here, that you chose to pee on?"
Granted, he has a point. The tree is old, grey and gnarled, ominous looking even in the bright, cheery sunlight.
"Bite me," Sam says, irritated. "I had some things on my mind."
"Yeah." Dean's smile dims a little. "Yeah, I get that." He scratches the back of his neck and says, "Think you'll change back if we just burn it down?"
***
Somehow they manage to not burn the entire forest down and Sam does, in fact, change back. He dresses hastily in the only clothes he has left, which are only slightly singed. "Thanks. For that."
Dean nods. "Sure thing."
"So," they both say at the same time and then laugh.
Awkward.
"So I've been thinking about this whole going our separate ways thing," Dean says.
"Yeah?" Sam can't quite quell the hope that blooms in his chest at that.
"Yeah. I think that maybe it's a stupid idea. And, um, dude. You don't even have any clothes now. Also, if you're gonna do stupid shit, I should at least be around to tell you, right?"
"Jesus, Dean!" Sam can't quite keep the annoyance out of his voice.
"Plus! I have at least three years' worth of mocking material with that chipmunk thing. If you're not around, how am I supposed to use it?"
"Whatever."
"Just get in the car, Sam." Dean walks around to the driver's side.
Sam slides into his seat instead of arguing, but as Dean starts up the engine, he has to ask. "We're still not okay, are we?"
Dean sighs. "There ain't nothin' about anything that's okay right now." He glances at Sam out of the corner of his eye. "But we might as well be not okay together, right?"
Shit's going to have to come out sooner or later and it's not going to be pretty when it does, but for the moment Sam decides to just settle back in his seat and smile. "You get six Chip 'n Dale jokes."
"No way. Not a chance. Sky's the limit on that, brother."
Sam closes his eyes and smiles as Dean begins to sing, "I'm Chip, I'm Dale, we're just a couple of crazy rascals out to have some fun!"
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Date: 2009-09-24 03:10 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-09-24 10:24 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-09-24 03:40 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-09-24 10:38 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-09-24 10:43 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-09-24 03:55 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-09-24 10:41 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-09-24 03:58 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-09-24 10:44 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-09-24 04:09 am (UTC)Now I don't have to hunt you down! \o/
(no subject)
Date: 2009-09-24 10:48 pm (UTC)Phew. That is one less person I have to worry about!! *shifty eyes*
(no subject)
Date: 2009-09-24 04:14 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-09-24 10:51 pm (UTC)EVENESPECIALLY WHEN DISGRUNTLED!!(no subject)
Date: 2009-09-24 02:27 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-09-24 10:53 pm (UTC)Also, thank you!! I am always happy to be indulged in my silliness!