SPN Coda: 5x01
Sep. 9th, 2009 11:00 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
errant_janeSo, I couldn't go to bed. What else was I gonna do?
Sympathy for the Devil Coda
***
Sam remembers watching Dean die. Over and over and over again, day after day because the Trickster was trying to teach him some kind of lesson. He remembers watching Dean die and waking up to the next day. And the day after that. Because his lesson hadn't been learned quite yet.
And then he had to watch Dean die yet again, ripped to shreds by the invisible hounds of hell. He remembers waking up the day after that, too. Like his life had become one never-ending lesson in pain.
It's almost funny to think about now, how that felt. Like nothing in the world could hurt more than waking up only to remember that Dean was dead. Until he woke up the next morning and the pain had grown impossibly worse.
When Dean came back – when Heaven brought Dean back – Sam prayed for the first time in months. He prayed that he would never have to live through Dean's death again. That when they died, they would die together or he would go first. Sam prayed because he didn't think his soul could handle that sort of rending again.
His soul was already in tatters.
It's almost funny to think about now, as Dean is telling him that there's nothing he can do. That he is beyond redemption, beyond forgiveness. That Sam has finally found the boundaries of Dean's love and stepped right on out of them. Funny because all of his previous wounds are like paper cuts compared to this.
He feels cleaved open and bled dry of everything but despair.
Sam will do what he can to right his wrong, knowing that it will never be enough. It will never be enough. But Sam will do everything he can because he owes Dean that much, and if they make it through this... If they make it through. He owes Dean so much more.
As it turns out, his prayers don't change much, though he no longer cares who he's praying to. Sam prays to die first. It may be the coward's way out, but that's really the least of his sins.
He's pretty sure Dean won't be making any deals for him from here on out.
Sympathy for the Devil Coda
***
Sam remembers watching Dean die. Over and over and over again, day after day because the Trickster was trying to teach him some kind of lesson. He remembers watching Dean die and waking up to the next day. And the day after that. Because his lesson hadn't been learned quite yet.
And then he had to watch Dean die yet again, ripped to shreds by the invisible hounds of hell. He remembers waking up the day after that, too. Like his life had become one never-ending lesson in pain.
It's almost funny to think about now, how that felt. Like nothing in the world could hurt more than waking up only to remember that Dean was dead. Until he woke up the next morning and the pain had grown impossibly worse.
When Dean came back – when Heaven brought Dean back – Sam prayed for the first time in months. He prayed that he would never have to live through Dean's death again. That when they died, they would die together or he would go first. Sam prayed because he didn't think his soul could handle that sort of rending again.
His soul was already in tatters.
It's almost funny to think about now, as Dean is telling him that there's nothing he can do. That he is beyond redemption, beyond forgiveness. That Sam has finally found the boundaries of Dean's love and stepped right on out of them. Funny because all of his previous wounds are like paper cuts compared to this.
He feels cleaved open and bled dry of everything but despair.
Sam will do what he can to right his wrong, knowing that it will never be enough. It will never be enough. But Sam will do everything he can because he owes Dean that much, and if they make it through this... If they make it through. He owes Dean so much more.
As it turns out, his prayers don't change much, though he no longer cares who he's praying to. Sam prays to die first. It may be the coward's way out, but that's really the least of his sins.
He's pretty sure Dean won't be making any deals for him from here on out.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2009-09-11 04:36 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-09-11 04:41 am (UTC)