SPN Fic: You Stood Witness to Yourself
Aug. 1st, 2009 08:51 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
errant_janeI hate headers. Am far too braindead at the moment. Here is some Dean-centric genfic. It is spoilery through the end of S4. Exactly 1,000 words, which I find absurdly pleasing for some reason.
ETA: Header
Title: You Stood Witness To Yourself
Genre: Gen
Spoilers: "Lucifer Rising"
Warnings: None
Summary: Die young and leave a pretty corpse.
You Stood Witness to Yourself
Die young and leave a pretty corpse.
You were supposed to die young and leave no corpse. It was one of those early lessons— don't leave evil with something to torture those you leave behind. Except that it wasn't supposed to be your responsibility. It was Sam's.
It was so easy to be angry about it afterward, when you were fresh out of hell with the sun beating down on your back. Such a different, welcome heat. So much easier to be angry when you thought that Sam had made some sort of deal than to focus on the waves of shame and relief you felt being out of the pit.
Easier than remembering that for thirty years, the only words you said were, "No" and "Sam". They were the only words you could bring yourself to beg with. Until the day you stopped begging.
After you changed from "no" to "yes", you stopped saying "Sam". When you stepped down off the rack and became everything you feared and hated, when you made the choice to twist yourself into something evil and wrong. The last shred of morality you clung to, even then, was that you wouldn't taint him by allowing yourself the comfort of his name on your tongue. Not as that thing.
It seems stupid in retrospect, your attempts to protect him from hell when you'd already effectively damned him by leaving. Hindsight's a bitch.
You wonder if now is an inappropriate time to start praying and think about the one time you tried. After Layla you prayed with an earnestness you didn't realize you still had. In the end, it only made you feel worse. Hollow and cheap to pray to a god you didn't believe in. Don't believe in, even now. It figures that'd be the one thing you got right.
If there were something that would make you believe in a higher power, it would be the fact that Sam believed. Sam believed and they threw him to the demons. You were always convinced that it was utter bullshit and you got pulled from Hell by a goddamn angel. That almost convinces you, because it's too beautifully ironic—that big "Fuck You" from the universe to the Winchester boys—to be accidental.
The other times you prayed, after you got out, those weren't to God. They were to Castiel.
If Sam had burned your corpse, would Castiel have been able to pull you out? Resurrect you from nothing? Or would Heaven have had to call off its Apocalypse? You think that Cas would have found a way. He is nothing if not a good soldier. This you understand. Rather, Castiel was a good soldier until you tainted him, too.
You don't even know if he still exists.
Lucky for you, the world's about to end and you won't have to face the weight of that particular failing. You're not sure you could survive it on top of everything else.
And yet, the thought of Castiel being blotted out of existence because of you still doesn't hurt as much as the fact that Sam is standing next to you looking so wounded and bewildered. Watching Lucifer's prison slowly open, knowing he's responsible and you have the insane urge to comfort him like that time when he was three and got lost in the grocery store.
He ran away from you. Did it deliberately and you were ready to strangle him right up until you found him, eyes red and wet with snot running out of his nose and you just picked him up. Let him cry against your shoulder and instead of yelling at him you rubbed his back and told him it was okay, cursed yourself up and down for letting him get away in the first place.
Because it was your job to take care of him. Always.
You wonder if Dad is somewhere watching this and thinking about what a spectacular fucking mess you made of the world. Couldn't keep Sam safe and couldn't bring yourself to kill him. Couldn't let him stay dead when someone else did.
Instead, you made your own deal with the devil for the most selfish and cowardly reasons possible and then you let hell break you. Bobby didn't know that when he said you were a better man than Dad. Didn't know that John Winchester survived a hundred years of torture and you barely scraped by with thirty.
If you had held out for ten more years, would Castiel have still come for you? Or did they wait just long enough. Long enough for you to set things in motion, for your soul and Sam's to become twisted enough to suit their agenda.
Did Cas have any idea? Would he have ever tried to rescue you simply because he believed you were worth saving?
Was there a point where you were worth saving, or did you start out irrevocably broken?
Castiel said that they believed you could stop it. Zachariah told you the same thing—that you are Heaven's chosen one. You're not sure if it was ever true or if that was another lie to serve some greater purpose. If it was true, is there still any hope or did you throw that chance away on a roll of the dice that you could get to Sam and stop him? That you could get to him in time?
What a fucking joke. You've always been about thirty seconds too late.
It doesn't mean you're not going to try. Because Sam is still here and so are you. You guys may have stumbled, but not even the forces of Heaven and Hell could pull you apart. Not quite. Not entirely.
That has to mean something.
So you do pray, to Sam for forgiveness, to Castiel for strength. And you think, "Bring it on, bitch."
It's funny what goes through your head when you're at ground zero for the end of the world.
ETA: Header
Title: You Stood Witness To Yourself
Genre: Gen
Spoilers: "Lucifer Rising"
Warnings: None
Summary: Die young and leave a pretty corpse.
You Stood Witness to Yourself
Die young and leave a pretty corpse.
You were supposed to die young and leave no corpse. It was one of those early lessons— don't leave evil with something to torture those you leave behind. Except that it wasn't supposed to be your responsibility. It was Sam's.
It was so easy to be angry about it afterward, when you were fresh out of hell with the sun beating down on your back. Such a different, welcome heat. So much easier to be angry when you thought that Sam had made some sort of deal than to focus on the waves of shame and relief you felt being out of the pit.
Easier than remembering that for thirty years, the only words you said were, "No" and "Sam". They were the only words you could bring yourself to beg with. Until the day you stopped begging.
After you changed from "no" to "yes", you stopped saying "Sam". When you stepped down off the rack and became everything you feared and hated, when you made the choice to twist yourself into something evil and wrong. The last shred of morality you clung to, even then, was that you wouldn't taint him by allowing yourself the comfort of his name on your tongue. Not as that thing.
It seems stupid in retrospect, your attempts to protect him from hell when you'd already effectively damned him by leaving. Hindsight's a bitch.
You wonder if now is an inappropriate time to start praying and think about the one time you tried. After Layla you prayed with an earnestness you didn't realize you still had. In the end, it only made you feel worse. Hollow and cheap to pray to a god you didn't believe in. Don't believe in, even now. It figures that'd be the one thing you got right.
If there were something that would make you believe in a higher power, it would be the fact that Sam believed. Sam believed and they threw him to the demons. You were always convinced that it was utter bullshit and you got pulled from Hell by a goddamn angel. That almost convinces you, because it's too beautifully ironic—that big "Fuck You" from the universe to the Winchester boys—to be accidental.
The other times you prayed, after you got out, those weren't to God. They were to Castiel.
If Sam had burned your corpse, would Castiel have been able to pull you out? Resurrect you from nothing? Or would Heaven have had to call off its Apocalypse? You think that Cas would have found a way. He is nothing if not a good soldier. This you understand. Rather, Castiel was a good soldier until you tainted him, too.
You don't even know if he still exists.
Lucky for you, the world's about to end and you won't have to face the weight of that particular failing. You're not sure you could survive it on top of everything else.
And yet, the thought of Castiel being blotted out of existence because of you still doesn't hurt as much as the fact that Sam is standing next to you looking so wounded and bewildered. Watching Lucifer's prison slowly open, knowing he's responsible and you have the insane urge to comfort him like that time when he was three and got lost in the grocery store.
He ran away from you. Did it deliberately and you were ready to strangle him right up until you found him, eyes red and wet with snot running out of his nose and you just picked him up. Let him cry against your shoulder and instead of yelling at him you rubbed his back and told him it was okay, cursed yourself up and down for letting him get away in the first place.
Because it was your job to take care of him. Always.
You wonder if Dad is somewhere watching this and thinking about what a spectacular fucking mess you made of the world. Couldn't keep Sam safe and couldn't bring yourself to kill him. Couldn't let him stay dead when someone else did.
Instead, you made your own deal with the devil for the most selfish and cowardly reasons possible and then you let hell break you. Bobby didn't know that when he said you were a better man than Dad. Didn't know that John Winchester survived a hundred years of torture and you barely scraped by with thirty.
If you had held out for ten more years, would Castiel have still come for you? Or did they wait just long enough. Long enough for you to set things in motion, for your soul and Sam's to become twisted enough to suit their agenda.
Did Cas have any idea? Would he have ever tried to rescue you simply because he believed you were worth saving?
Was there a point where you were worth saving, or did you start out irrevocably broken?
Castiel said that they believed you could stop it. Zachariah told you the same thing—that you are Heaven's chosen one. You're not sure if it was ever true or if that was another lie to serve some greater purpose. If it was true, is there still any hope or did you throw that chance away on a roll of the dice that you could get to Sam and stop him? That you could get to him in time?
What a fucking joke. You've always been about thirty seconds too late.
It doesn't mean you're not going to try. Because Sam is still here and so are you. You guys may have stumbled, but not even the forces of Heaven and Hell could pull you apart. Not quite. Not entirely.
That has to mean something.
So you do pray, to Sam for forgiveness, to Castiel for strength. And you think, "Bring it on, bitch."
It's funny what goes through your head when you're at ground zero for the end of the world.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2009-08-04 12:16 am (UTC)NO! Not the narrowed eyes! That was actually not my intention at all (for serious!); HOWEVER, I am not at all displeased! Bwahahahahaaaaaa! Mine is an evil laugh! *sends your muse chocolates. those ones with cherry liquor in them*
(no subject)
Date: 2009-08-04 01:12 am (UTC)