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errant_janeWhat happened was... Full of Spartacus feelings one night, I spent five hours over chat summarizing the whole of the series to the lovely and wonderful and very patient ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
laulan (♥) (who had no current plans of watching the series, and OMG, you guys, I had SO MANY FEELINGS to share!). The next day, upon realizing how much I'd written, I decided to clean it up, add pictures and post it on lj. AS YOU DO!
PLEASE NOTE: If you are planning on watching the series (which you really totally should, it is AMAZING), don't spoil yourself by reading this. While it is an incredibly spoilery summary of Spartacus: Blood and Sand, it is a woeful misrepresentation of how awesome the show truly is. It is also a conversational re-telling of the show from my wildly biased POV, and is missing huge chunks of the narrative that I did not, at the time, need to get into in order to express my show feelings. If, OTOH, you plan on NEVER watching the show EVER, or you've seen S1, I hope it amuses.
Warnings and Disclaimers: This post, much like the show, contains graphic language and nudity, and some violence (though as little as I could reasonably get away with), and is intended for mature audiences. All screencaps were obtained from here
Thanks: Thanks togypsy_sunday and kriari for looking this over before I posted. If there are any mistakes, or if it totally sucks, it is entirely their fault and you should judge them for it. Okay, I think that covers it!
Elizah Jane's Totally Biased and Wildly Inaccurate/Incomplete Summary of Spartacus: Blood and Sand (With Pictures!)
Spartacus (not his real name) is a Thracian who is captured by the Romans after he disobeys the command of Glaber (the villain) while the Romans are in Thrace fighting doing their Rome thing.
We never learn his Thracian name, so we'll go with Spartacus for the sake of clarity.
Now, Glaber is a legatus [Roman general guy], but he only gained position because he married a Senator's daughter, who is a princessy princess who gets what she wants. So he's a winning combination of incompetent and arrogant. See, the Romans were in Thrace fighting the forces of Mithridates [enemies of Rome], and they tried to enlist the help of the Thracians, all, "We'll help you protect your lands from the Getae [invading hoards]!" But then when it came down to it, Glaber was all, "Fuck the invading hoards, I'm after personal glory" (with some persuading from his wife, Ilithyia, who snuck into camp for a booty call – booty calls took way more effort in those days).
Hearing this change of plans, Spartacus was all, "Um, we're not leaving our women and children undefended, fuck you. Spartacus (not my real name) out!"
To which Glaber was like, "HDU disobey me!" He's super pissed enough to forego glory in favor of hunting Spartacus the fuck down, and thus Sparty gets captured and taken back to Rome to be executed. Glaber will eventually come to regret this decision.
Choices were made, none of them good.
Sparty's wife, Sura, likewise gets taken and sold into slavery. Sparty is not happy about this – he's willing to die for his choices, but his wife is innocent and he wants to get her back. He's set to be executed in the arena by gladiators, but they did not account for Sparty being such a driven BAMF and he ends up killing all his executioners.
Is this the best you could do?
Glaber's a little embarrassed by both the fact that Sparty disgraced him, and then didn't die like he was supposed to. This will become something of a theme with them. It's awkward.
Enter Lentulus Batiatus, one of Capua's premier lanistas [gladiator owner guys], stage left with a solution for all! Batiatus is an ambitious man who is not afraid to seize opportunity by fucking balls.
Batiatus offers to purchase Spartacus, because at this point, Sparty's got the crowd on his side, and it is not politically wise to go against the crowd, but it would be equally embarrassing for Glaber to free him what with the military disgrace and all. Batiatus is like, "Look, I'll buy him, train him to be a gladiator, and if he survives the training, he'll just be killed in the arena another day like he was supposed to be." Everybody wins – Glaber saves face, and Batiatus, in his mind, has a favor owed to him by the legatus, which can only be good, right? Batiatus decides to name his new pet Spartacus, after the Thracian king. The show's title begins to make sense.
Batiatus is married to Lucretia, who is played by the incredibly gorgeous Lucy Lawless. They are fun villians. You're kind of rooting for them.
They go home and celebrate how fucking awesome they are.
So, Sparty goes to gladiator school! Except he's not all that into being a slave, and he acts up a lot and doesn't play well with the other boys. Crixus, current house champion, is a particular thorn in Sparty's side.
Contrary to how this may look, they never actually make out.
He doesn't seem to get why Sparty isn't into the glory and honor of killing people for Rome's amusement. To each his own, I suppose.
Who wouldn't want to be here?
Sparty continues to act up, stuff happens, machinations, etc., and Batiatus is all, "UGH, look! Fight for me, earn coin, and I'll hunt down your wife for you, okay?" and Spartacus is all, "....yeah, okay. I can do that."
With the promise of being reunited with his wife, Sparty becomes much more complacent.
In a wacky turn of events having to do with Batiatus' unending attempts at social climbing, Crixus and Sparty are thrown together in a showdown against Theokales, who is the most badass of gladiators.
This dude is pretty gnarly. He has yellow eyes!
The only man to ever survive a match against them is their very own badass Doctore [Gladiator slave training guy], so that's saying something. It's a very special episode about learning to work together as a team. There's no 'I' in Gladi...oh wait. Crixus can't help his douchebag nature and gets wounded in the fight, leaving Spartacus to end Theokales on his own. As soon as he does, the heavens open up and it RAINS A WHOLE BUNCH, which is super because they'd been in the middle of a horrible drought.
Seems like Sparty's luck has taken a turn! He is now house champion – Spartacus: Slayer of Theokales and Bringer of Rain. It's sort of a big deal.
If there was ever a time for Queen's We are the Champions, this would be it.
The legend of Spartacus grows, and Batiatus is all, "AWESOME. Also, I found your wife, she's on her way." \o/
Yup, things are finally looking up for old Spartacus. He's got his own private cell and everything now! But when he asks Doctore if Sura will be able to have candles and other girly shit in there, Doctore reveals that Sura's quarters will be in the villa with the other house slaves. Spartacus clues in to the fact that she'll still be a slave, and he is less pleased.
Clearly escape is the only option, and Spartacus has it all worked out in a complicated plan that involves orgies and the slipping of some drugs to Doctore to make sure he doesn't try to stop him. This is one of the few times we are NOT PLEASED with Spartacus. You don't fuck with Doctore, man. But we'll let it slide, as his reasoning is that it's better to drug him than have to kill him. Everything is set. There's NO WAY this can go wrong!
Except for the one way it does - when her cart arrives, it is revealed that they were attacked on the road and Spartacus gets to Sura only to have her die in his arms. ;_____;
It is really fucking sad, you guys.
Sad enough that Doctore refrains from giving him a smackdown for drugging him. He too lost his wife.
From the sidelines, Batiatus and Lucretia watch, and Batiatus is all, "They are reunited, my promise is kept." OH, CRUEL VILLAIN! YES! Batiatus is a bad, bad man. He knew that if Spartacus had his wife back, he wouldn't be complacent like he wanted, and Batiatus isn't about to lose another champion. This way, it looked like he kept his word, and he now has Spartacus broken. Lucretia was never down with bringing Sura there in the first place, so she's good with this solution.
And it works. Spartacus finally believes this to be his fate, and accepts his role as champion of Capua.
But those wacky Romans are always with their plottings. While Batiatus is doing his political maneuvering thing, Lucretia is working her own angles on the lady side. She has befriended Ilithyia, wife of Glaber, and daughter of senator Albinius. Through Ilithyia she hopes to gain even more influential friends, including Licinia, who is cousin to Marcus Crassus [really rich and important dude].
Licinia likes Lucretia enough to pay for the favor of fucking one of the gladiators – she totally wants to break herself off a piece of Spartacus. Once Ilithyia gets it in her head that this is a possibility, she wants in on the action too, only she wants Crixus (who is still recovering from being all wounded and shit, and is chafing mightily at the fact that he is no longer champion).
While Lucretia is only too happy to have Spartacus service Licinia, she is not about to give Crixus to Ilithyia, because she herself has been boning him for some time now and considers him her very own love puppy, a fact of which Ilithyia is aware. She just doesn't give a shit.
Batiatus doesn't see the problem with the arrangement, though, and tells Lucretia to give Ilithyia whatever she wants. Lucretia agrees to make the arrangements in a way that should be suspicious to anyone who has ever watched TV. Unfortunately, they didn't have TV back then and Batiatus thinks it's all good.
As suspected, things do not go as planned – Lucretia gives Ilithyia Spartacus, not Crixus! They're wearing masks, so this is only discovered when Lucretia interrupts them, Licinia at her side, after Ilithyia and Spartacus have already done a whole lot of sexing.
NGL, this whole scene is pretty hot.
Spartacus removes her mask, realizes it's Ilithyia, and attempts to choke a bitch. The guards pull him off and send him to the baths for a timeout. Meanwhile, Licinia finds the fact that Ilithyia has been fucking the guy who brought such disgrace on her husband to be the Funniest. Shit. Ever. She is all: ROTFLMAO!!
Ilithyia responds by bashing her head in. Quite literally.
Ilithyia does not enjoy being laughed at.
It is not an ideal situation, but Ilithyia having murdered an influential Roman woman under their roof does give Lucretia and Batiatus some leeway. Namely, they will cover up the whole murder thing if Ilithyia does them a few favors.
Ilithyia, shockingly, does not enjoy being blackmailed, and she decides to take it out on Spartacus.
It is really not Sparty's year.
In his never-ending attempt to seek favor, Batiatus offers to host a coming-of-age birthday party for the magistrate's son, Numerius. Numerius is a big Sparty fan, and there's to be an exhibition match at the party between the new champion (Spartacus) and the old (Crixus). It's all supposed to be in good fun, but Crixus is determined to use the match as a means to regain his status.
Only, when the time comes, Numerius decides that Crixus is so last week, and he'd rather see Sparty fight Varo. Varro, you see, is Sparty's BFF – his only friend in the ludus. The little brother he never had. Varro has a family on the outside (he is a Roman who sold himself to the ludus for a few years to pay off some gambling debts), and Varro is the man Sparty lives vicariously through, now that his own wife is dead and he has no hopes for a family.
Varro sees this as a fine change, to be so elevated as to fight in the exhibition match. Finally, some of Sparty's luck is rubbing off on him. This is true, but he seems to forget that Sparty's luck is actually pretty shit. They fight, and Spartacus wins, but gives Varro a, "You'll do better next time, buddy" wink because it's all fun and games. Until some spoiled rich kid gives the thumbs down, which Numerius totally does when Batiatus asks him to pass judgment on the fallen gladiator. (This decision has Ilithyia's plottings all over it, btw)
Batiatus is understandably confused, as it was agreed that this was only an exhibition, and Numerius totally gives the magistrate a Veruca Salt "Daddy!" foot stomp when Spartacus doesn't kill his very best friend in the whole wide world fast enough for his liking. Batiatus, not wanting to lose the favor he's been working so hard to attain, gives Spartacus the go-ahead.
Spartacus is ready to flat-out refuse, but Varro knows they'll just kill them both, and forces his hand.
This ranks right up there with Sura dying in his arms.
Varro asks Spartacus to look after his family, and Spartacus agrees, but he is really all, "Augh, what even is this? He didn't die with honor in the arena, he died as some child's plaything!" and it is NOT ON! It is severely testing his obedience.
To add injury to having to kill your BFF, Spartacus was wounded during the match, and it ends up getting infected, and he goes a little crazy with grief and infection. While he is being treated for the wound and resulting fever, he sees the dude who brought his wife to him. The dude who was supposedly wounded trying to save her only, the dude has no wound. Sparty "questions" him whilst Mira (who is lovely and awesome in every imaginable way) stands guard, and the dude admits he killed her by the order of Batiatus (to which Spartacus replies with a killing of his own).
At the end of that episode, Batiatus is all, "So, you're good again, yeah?" and Sparty is all, "Yes, dominus. I am myself again."
Dun dun dunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn! No more complacent Sparty!
Shit just got real.
Initially, Sparty's plans for revenge start small. He figures he'll just kill Batiatus, get killed after he's done so, hook up with his wife in the afterlife, ta da! All's well that ends well.
Except it's not quite that simple. Upon hearing this plan, Mira is all, "You fucknut, if you attack him ALL the slaves under this roof get put to death."
To which Sparty is all, /o\ "Man's gotta do what a man's gotta do."
Mira does not slap him for this, even though she would be completely justified.
When he goes to do the deed, however, he finds that his dead BFF's wife, Aurelia, is the newest addition to the household slaves. The wife he'd sworn to look after when they made him kill Varro. This complicates things.
Sparty had arranged to have his winnings sent to her, but as it turns out, she was all, "Fuck you, I want nothing to do with the man who killed my husband!" Which, TBH, I found a little unreasonable because he really didn't have a choice, but w/e.
Aurelia: Varro's unreasonable gelfling widow.
Sparty realizes with her there, he can't in good conscience condemn all the slaves to death, and he has to re-think his plan. Mira is (rightfully) ready to smack the shit out of him for his whole, "Fuck all the rest of y'all, but I can't condemn Aurelia to death" attitude. It is one of the many reasons we love her.
Meanwhile, it seems as though Batiatus' plottings have come to fruition, as Glaber grants him patronage through some wheedling, and when that doesn't work, some blackmail. On top of that, they find out that Lucretia is finally pregnant! Patronage and an heir on the way! Yup, things seem to be looking up for good old Batiatus.
Sidebar: There are some German brothers who were purchased after Sparty became champion – Agron and Duro – and they're not really down with the whole slavery glory of the arena thing either.
Agron and Duro
Duro and Agron (There will be a test on this later...)
Crixus, OTOH, is still all, "Rah, glory, blood upon the sands, gods of the arena HOORAY"
After all that has happened, Sparty is all, "WTF is wrong with you, man? There is no glory in this!"
Crixus is like, "Evs, I'll be champion again" but things start to go awry for HIM because he has fallen in love with Lucretia's body slave, Naevia. This is, of course, made more complicated by Lucretia's boning of him. She would not be happy to find that her love puppy is not as enthralled with her as she would like to think.
Things come to a head (heh) when the affair is discovered through the machinations of Ashur, who was a gladiator for a brief moment before he was injured in the arena, and has spent his time since being Batiatus' creepy treacherous rapey creeper snake UGH. Naevia is given a haircut and sold off, and Crixus is whipped for his disobedience. Crixus, in all his boneheadedness, swears he will earn his freedom and find her, which is easier said than done, let's be honest.
Once Sparty realizes his revenge will, by necessity, be much more massive than he was originally planning, he tries to recruit Crixus to his cause, seeing as how his woman has been taken away and all. Meanwhile, Agron and Duro are all, "We don't need the fucking Gauls."
Except they kind of do need them, as they make up about half the number of gladiators, and the Gauls all follow Crixus.
Agron is not a fan of the Fucking Gauls. He is, however, very pretty.
It comes down to an exhibition fight between Crixus and Spartacus at a party to celebrate the house receiving Glaber's patronage. Sparty is being all, "Join us, Crixus," and Crixus is like, "Nah. I'm gonna go ahead and work within the system." So they come to an agreement that whoever wins will make sure the other guy's thing gets done (i.e. If Sparty succeeds and escapes, he'll find Naevia. If Crixus wins, he'll put "kill Batiatus" on his to-do list).
Only, it's not a fair fight. With that whole "Hell hath no fury" thing, Lucretia's decided that Crixus' death needs to be guaranteed, so they poison his food – just enough so that he won't be able to win against Spartacus. It still has to be a good show and all. /priorities
Spartacus finds out about this through Aurelia, who accuses him of not fighting fairly. He tells her that Varro's death was ordered by the kid, and he would not have taken his life for anything. She doesn't believe him.
So the battle comes down to it, and Sparty is still trying to convince Crixus to change his mind, and Crixus is all "No!" and Sparty is all, "They poisoned you, man! You think they're gonna let you go?"
Crixus finally sees reason and realizes the Romans are, in fact, a bunch of fucktards, and he needs to break out and find his woman. In a moment of complete badassery, he kneels before Spartacus and taps on his shield:
This totally makes up for all the times I was a complete and utter douchebag, right?
Which is Spartacus' cue to take a running jump at the balcony and KILL THEM ALL!!
Do you believe a man can fly?
Mira, meanwhile, is engaged in her own badassery and kills a guard then unlocks the gates to let the rest of the gladiators up into the house so that they, too, can kill them all.
Agron and Duro totally approve.
Lucretia orders Ilithyia to go get her husband's fucking men already. Glaber, unfortunately, couldn't make it to the party due to being pissed off about the blackmail thing.
Ilithyia is all, "Sure, sure. Right away."
I'll get right on that.
Then she regally sweeps from the house, having had enough of being manipulated by Lucy and Batiatus, and orders the men to block the door from the outside, TRAPPING EVERYONE ELSE IN THERE!
So the gladiators rampage, killing everyone who has been heretofore content to watch them rip each other to shreds in the arena whilst they sip wine and eat various fruits and things.
Agron and Duro are still down in the training yard, kicking ass, but not really bothering with name-taking. They kill all the soldiers and then high five for their badassery, but then OH SHIT! Duro sees one more coming and pushes Agron aside, taking a sword to the gut to save his brother.
Agron kills the SHIT out of the soldier who did it and still has time to catch Duro as he falls. Duro gives him a wistful look and says, "This time I saved you, brother..." and dies, and Agron cradles him and then kisses his forehead, and then bellows his rage and sadness and it is SO SAD!! AGRON WAS TRYING SO HARD TO KEEP HIM SAFE! ;____________;
Nobody ever told Agron about the crossroads.
Meanwhile, up in the villa of rampaging death, Aurelia is charged with keeping the magistrate's kid safe. The same kid who supposedly ordered her husband's death. She asks him about it and he's all, "What? That guy? He was nothing, he deserved to die," and she goes fucking nuts and stabs him over and over yelling, "He was MINE" until Spartacus comes to stop her.
Don't fuck with the gelflings.
Lucretia runs into Crixus and is all, "So, about the poison and sending Naevia off into unspeakable horrors... I'm pregnant with your baby?" :D
Crixus is all, "I would rather it be dead than nurse at your bosom" and stabbitys her.
Cut to the atrium, where it is all blood and mayhem, and Batiatus stands alone, trying to fend off the Gladiators. Enter Lucretia, stage right, having been freshly stabbed. She says his name and then falls, and Spartacus is all, "What would you have to hold your wife again? How many men would you kill?" (Which is what Batiatus said to him to convince him to gladiate) and it is AWESOME! Then Spartacus kills him dead and it is completely and utterly satisfying. Srsly, this show has the best villain deaths ever.
This was not the outcome Batiatus had in mind for the evening.
Spartacus goes on to speechify, "I HAVE DONE THIS THING BECAUSE IT IS JUST!"
Mira supposes it's better than his original plan.
He rallies the troops to join him to, y'know, be free and stuff.
LIKE A BOSS!
I'm sure Rome will be totally cool with that. Yup, things are finally looking up for the heretofore enslaved house of Batiatus residents.
I have a really good feeling about this, guys.
laulan (♥) (who had no current plans of watching the series, and OMG, you guys, I had SO MANY FEELINGS to share!). The next day, upon realizing how much I'd written, I decided to clean it up, add pictures and post it on lj. AS YOU DO!PLEASE NOTE: If you are planning on watching the series (which you really totally should, it is AMAZING), don't spoil yourself by reading this. While it is an incredibly spoilery summary of Spartacus: Blood and Sand, it is a woeful misrepresentation of how awesome the show truly is. It is also a conversational re-telling of the show from my wildly biased POV, and is missing huge chunks of the narrative that I did not, at the time, need to get into in order to express my show feelings. If, OTOH, you plan on NEVER watching the show EVER, or you've seen S1, I hope it amuses.
Warnings and Disclaimers: This post, much like the show, contains graphic language and nudity, and some violence (though as little as I could reasonably get away with), and is intended for mature audiences. All screencaps were obtained from here
Thanks: Thanks to
gypsy_sunday and kriari for looking this over before I posted. If there are any mistakes, or if it totally sucks, it is entirely their fault and you should judge them for it. Okay, I think that covers it!Elizah Jane's Totally Biased and Wildly Inaccurate/Incomplete Summary of Spartacus: Blood and Sand (With Pictures!)
Spartacus (not his real name) is a Thracian who is captured by the Romans after he disobeys the command of Glaber (the villain) while the Romans are in Thrace fighting doing their Rome thing.
We never learn his Thracian name, so we'll go with Spartacus for the sake of clarity.
Now, Glaber is a legatus [Roman general guy], but he only gained position because he married a Senator's daughter, who is a princessy princess who gets what she wants. So he's a winning combination of incompetent and arrogant. See, the Romans were in Thrace fighting the forces of Mithridates [enemies of Rome], and they tried to enlist the help of the Thracians, all, "We'll help you protect your lands from the Getae [invading hoards]!" But then when it came down to it, Glaber was all, "Fuck the invading hoards, I'm after personal glory" (with some persuading from his wife, Ilithyia, who snuck into camp for a booty call – booty calls took way more effort in those days).
Hearing this change of plans, Spartacus was all, "Um, we're not leaving our women and children undefended, fuck you. Spartacus (not my real name) out!"
To which Glaber was like, "HDU disobey me!" He's super pissed enough to forego glory in favor of hunting Spartacus the fuck down, and thus Sparty gets captured and taken back to Rome to be executed. Glaber will eventually come to regret this decision.
Choices were made, none of them good.
Sparty's wife, Sura, likewise gets taken and sold into slavery. Sparty is not happy about this – he's willing to die for his choices, but his wife is innocent and he wants to get her back. He's set to be executed in the arena by gladiators, but they did not account for Sparty being such a driven BAMF and he ends up killing all his executioners.
Is this the best you could do?
Glaber's a little embarrassed by both the fact that Sparty disgraced him, and then didn't die like he was supposed to. This will become something of a theme with them. It's awkward.
Enter Lentulus Batiatus, one of Capua's premier lanistas [gladiator owner guys], stage left with a solution for all! Batiatus is an ambitious man who is not afraid to seize opportunity by fucking balls.
Batiatus offers to purchase Spartacus, because at this point, Sparty's got the crowd on his side, and it is not politically wise to go against the crowd, but it would be equally embarrassing for Glaber to free him what with the military disgrace and all. Batiatus is like, "Look, I'll buy him, train him to be a gladiator, and if he survives the training, he'll just be killed in the arena another day like he was supposed to be." Everybody wins – Glaber saves face, and Batiatus, in his mind, has a favor owed to him by the legatus, which can only be good, right? Batiatus decides to name his new pet Spartacus, after the Thracian king. The show's title begins to make sense.
Batiatus is married to Lucretia, who is played by the incredibly gorgeous Lucy Lawless. They are fun villians. You're kind of rooting for them.
They go home and celebrate how fucking awesome they are.
So, Sparty goes to gladiator school! Except he's not all that into being a slave, and he acts up a lot and doesn't play well with the other boys. Crixus, current house champion, is a particular thorn in Sparty's side.
Contrary to how this may look, they never actually make out.
He doesn't seem to get why Sparty isn't into the glory and honor of killing people for Rome's amusement. To each his own, I suppose.
Who wouldn't want to be here?
Sparty continues to act up, stuff happens, machinations, etc., and Batiatus is all, "UGH, look! Fight for me, earn coin, and I'll hunt down your wife for you, okay?" and Spartacus is all, "....yeah, okay. I can do that."
With the promise of being reunited with his wife, Sparty becomes much more complacent.
In a wacky turn of events having to do with Batiatus' unending attempts at social climbing, Crixus and Sparty are thrown together in a showdown against Theokales, who is the most badass of gladiators.
This dude is pretty gnarly. He has yellow eyes!
The only man to ever survive a match against them is their very own badass Doctore [Gladiator slave training guy], so that's saying something. It's a very special episode about learning to work together as a team. There's no 'I' in Gladi...oh wait. Crixus can't help his douchebag nature and gets wounded in the fight, leaving Spartacus to end Theokales on his own. As soon as he does, the heavens open up and it RAINS A WHOLE BUNCH, which is super because they'd been in the middle of a horrible drought.
Seems like Sparty's luck has taken a turn! He is now house champion – Spartacus: Slayer of Theokales and Bringer of Rain. It's sort of a big deal.
If there was ever a time for Queen's We are the Champions, this would be it.
The legend of Spartacus grows, and Batiatus is all, "AWESOME. Also, I found your wife, she's on her way." \o/
Yup, things are finally looking up for old Spartacus. He's got his own private cell and everything now! But when he asks Doctore if Sura will be able to have candles and other girly shit in there, Doctore reveals that Sura's quarters will be in the villa with the other house slaves. Spartacus clues in to the fact that she'll still be a slave, and he is less pleased.
Clearly escape is the only option, and Spartacus has it all worked out in a complicated plan that involves orgies and the slipping of some drugs to Doctore to make sure he doesn't try to stop him. This is one of the few times we are NOT PLEASED with Spartacus. You don't fuck with Doctore, man. But we'll let it slide, as his reasoning is that it's better to drug him than have to kill him. Everything is set. There's NO WAY this can go wrong!
Except for the one way it does - when her cart arrives, it is revealed that they were attacked on the road and Spartacus gets to Sura only to have her die in his arms. ;_____;
It is really fucking sad, you guys.
Sad enough that Doctore refrains from giving him a smackdown for drugging him. He too lost his wife.
From the sidelines, Batiatus and Lucretia watch, and Batiatus is all, "They are reunited, my promise is kept." OH, CRUEL VILLAIN! YES! Batiatus is a bad, bad man. He knew that if Spartacus had his wife back, he wouldn't be complacent like he wanted, and Batiatus isn't about to lose another champion. This way, it looked like he kept his word, and he now has Spartacus broken. Lucretia was never down with bringing Sura there in the first place, so she's good with this solution.
And it works. Spartacus finally believes this to be his fate, and accepts his role as champion of Capua.
But those wacky Romans are always with their plottings. While Batiatus is doing his political maneuvering thing, Lucretia is working her own angles on the lady side. She has befriended Ilithyia, wife of Glaber, and daughter of senator Albinius. Through Ilithyia she hopes to gain even more influential friends, including Licinia, who is cousin to Marcus Crassus [really rich and important dude].
Licinia likes Lucretia enough to pay for the favor of fucking one of the gladiators – she totally wants to break herself off a piece of Spartacus. Once Ilithyia gets it in her head that this is a possibility, she wants in on the action too, only she wants Crixus (who is still recovering from being all wounded and shit, and is chafing mightily at the fact that he is no longer champion).
While Lucretia is only too happy to have Spartacus service Licinia, she is not about to give Crixus to Ilithyia, because she herself has been boning him for some time now and considers him her very own love puppy, a fact of which Ilithyia is aware. She just doesn't give a shit.
Batiatus doesn't see the problem with the arrangement, though, and tells Lucretia to give Ilithyia whatever she wants. Lucretia agrees to make the arrangements in a way that should be suspicious to anyone who has ever watched TV. Unfortunately, they didn't have TV back then and Batiatus thinks it's all good.
As suspected, things do not go as planned – Lucretia gives Ilithyia Spartacus, not Crixus! They're wearing masks, so this is only discovered when Lucretia interrupts them, Licinia at her side, after Ilithyia and Spartacus have already done a whole lot of sexing.
NGL, this whole scene is pretty hot.
Spartacus removes her mask, realizes it's Ilithyia, and attempts to choke a bitch. The guards pull him off and send him to the baths for a timeout. Meanwhile, Licinia finds the fact that Ilithyia has been fucking the guy who brought such disgrace on her husband to be the Funniest. Shit. Ever. She is all: ROTFLMAO!!
Ilithyia responds by bashing her head in. Quite literally.
Ilithyia does not enjoy being laughed at.
It is not an ideal situation, but Ilithyia having murdered an influential Roman woman under their roof does give Lucretia and Batiatus some leeway. Namely, they will cover up the whole murder thing if Ilithyia does them a few favors.
Ilithyia, shockingly, does not enjoy being blackmailed, and she decides to take it out on Spartacus.
It is really not Sparty's year.
In his never-ending attempt to seek favor, Batiatus offers to host a coming-of-age birthday party for the magistrate's son, Numerius. Numerius is a big Sparty fan, and there's to be an exhibition match at the party between the new champion (Spartacus) and the old (Crixus). It's all supposed to be in good fun, but Crixus is determined to use the match as a means to regain his status.
Only, when the time comes, Numerius decides that Crixus is so last week, and he'd rather see Sparty fight Varo. Varro, you see, is Sparty's BFF – his only friend in the ludus. The little brother he never had. Varro has a family on the outside (he is a Roman who sold himself to the ludus for a few years to pay off some gambling debts), and Varro is the man Sparty lives vicariously through, now that his own wife is dead and he has no hopes for a family.
Varro sees this as a fine change, to be so elevated as to fight in the exhibition match. Finally, some of Sparty's luck is rubbing off on him. This is true, but he seems to forget that Sparty's luck is actually pretty shit. They fight, and Spartacus wins, but gives Varro a, "You'll do better next time, buddy" wink because it's all fun and games. Until some spoiled rich kid gives the thumbs down, which Numerius totally does when Batiatus asks him to pass judgment on the fallen gladiator. (This decision has Ilithyia's plottings all over it, btw)
Batiatus is understandably confused, as it was agreed that this was only an exhibition, and Numerius totally gives the magistrate a Veruca Salt "Daddy!" foot stomp when Spartacus doesn't kill his very best friend in the whole wide world fast enough for his liking. Batiatus, not wanting to lose the favor he's been working so hard to attain, gives Spartacus the go-ahead.
Spartacus is ready to flat-out refuse, but Varro knows they'll just kill them both, and forces his hand.
This ranks right up there with Sura dying in his arms.
Varro asks Spartacus to look after his family, and Spartacus agrees, but he is really all, "Augh, what even is this? He didn't die with honor in the arena, he died as some child's plaything!" and it is NOT ON! It is severely testing his obedience.
To add injury to having to kill your BFF, Spartacus was wounded during the match, and it ends up getting infected, and he goes a little crazy with grief and infection. While he is being treated for the wound and resulting fever, he sees the dude who brought his wife to him. The dude who was supposedly wounded trying to save her only, the dude has no wound. Sparty "questions" him whilst Mira (who is lovely and awesome in every imaginable way) stands guard, and the dude admits he killed her by the order of Batiatus (to which Spartacus replies with a killing of his own).
At the end of that episode, Batiatus is all, "So, you're good again, yeah?" and Sparty is all, "Yes, dominus. I am myself again."
Dun dun dunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn! No more complacent Sparty!
Shit just got real.
Initially, Sparty's plans for revenge start small. He figures he'll just kill Batiatus, get killed after he's done so, hook up with his wife in the afterlife, ta da! All's well that ends well.
Except it's not quite that simple. Upon hearing this plan, Mira is all, "You fucknut, if you attack him ALL the slaves under this roof get put to death."
To which Sparty is all, /o\ "Man's gotta do what a man's gotta do."
Mira does not slap him for this, even though she would be completely justified.
When he goes to do the deed, however, he finds that his dead BFF's wife, Aurelia, is the newest addition to the household slaves. The wife he'd sworn to look after when they made him kill Varro. This complicates things.
Sparty had arranged to have his winnings sent to her, but as it turns out, she was all, "Fuck you, I want nothing to do with the man who killed my husband!" Which, TBH, I found a little unreasonable because he really didn't have a choice, but w/e.
Aurelia: Varro's unreasonable gelfling widow.
Sparty realizes with her there, he can't in good conscience condemn all the slaves to death, and he has to re-think his plan. Mira is (rightfully) ready to smack the shit out of him for his whole, "Fuck all the rest of y'all, but I can't condemn Aurelia to death" attitude. It is one of the many reasons we love her.
Meanwhile, it seems as though Batiatus' plottings have come to fruition, as Glaber grants him patronage through some wheedling, and when that doesn't work, some blackmail. On top of that, they find out that Lucretia is finally pregnant! Patronage and an heir on the way! Yup, things seem to be looking up for good old Batiatus.
Sidebar: There are some German brothers who were purchased after Sparty became champion – Agron and Duro – and they're not really down with the whole slavery glory of the arena thing either.
Agron and Duro
Duro and Agron (There will be a test on this later...)
Crixus, OTOH, is still all, "Rah, glory, blood upon the sands, gods of the arena HOORAY"
After all that has happened, Sparty is all, "WTF is wrong with you, man? There is no glory in this!"
Crixus is like, "Evs, I'll be champion again" but things start to go awry for HIM because he has fallen in love with Lucretia's body slave, Naevia. This is, of course, made more complicated by Lucretia's boning of him. She would not be happy to find that her love puppy is not as enthralled with her as she would like to think.
Things come to a head (heh) when the affair is discovered through the machinations of Ashur, who was a gladiator for a brief moment before he was injured in the arena, and has spent his time since being Batiatus' creepy treacherous rapey creeper snake UGH. Naevia is given a haircut and sold off, and Crixus is whipped for his disobedience. Crixus, in all his boneheadedness, swears he will earn his freedom and find her, which is easier said than done, let's be honest.
Once Sparty realizes his revenge will, by necessity, be much more massive than he was originally planning, he tries to recruit Crixus to his cause, seeing as how his woman has been taken away and all. Meanwhile, Agron and Duro are all, "We don't need the fucking Gauls."
Except they kind of do need them, as they make up about half the number of gladiators, and the Gauls all follow Crixus.
Agron is not a fan of the Fucking Gauls. He is, however, very pretty.
It comes down to an exhibition fight between Crixus and Spartacus at a party to celebrate the house receiving Glaber's patronage. Sparty is being all, "Join us, Crixus," and Crixus is like, "Nah. I'm gonna go ahead and work within the system." So they come to an agreement that whoever wins will make sure the other guy's thing gets done (i.e. If Sparty succeeds and escapes, he'll find Naevia. If Crixus wins, he'll put "kill Batiatus" on his to-do list).
Only, it's not a fair fight. With that whole "Hell hath no fury" thing, Lucretia's decided that Crixus' death needs to be guaranteed, so they poison his food – just enough so that he won't be able to win against Spartacus. It still has to be a good show and all. /priorities
Spartacus finds out about this through Aurelia, who accuses him of not fighting fairly. He tells her that Varro's death was ordered by the kid, and he would not have taken his life for anything. She doesn't believe him.
So the battle comes down to it, and Sparty is still trying to convince Crixus to change his mind, and Crixus is all "No!" and Sparty is all, "They poisoned you, man! You think they're gonna let you go?"
Crixus finally sees reason and realizes the Romans are, in fact, a bunch of fucktards, and he needs to break out and find his woman. In a moment of complete badassery, he kneels before Spartacus and taps on his shield:
This totally makes up for all the times I was a complete and utter douchebag, right?
Which is Spartacus' cue to take a running jump at the balcony and KILL THEM ALL!!
Do you believe a man can fly?
Mira, meanwhile, is engaged in her own badassery and kills a guard then unlocks the gates to let the rest of the gladiators up into the house so that they, too, can kill them all.
Agron and Duro totally approve.
Lucretia orders Ilithyia to go get her husband's fucking men already. Glaber, unfortunately, couldn't make it to the party due to being pissed off about the blackmail thing.
Ilithyia is all, "Sure, sure. Right away."
I'll get right on that.
Then she regally sweeps from the house, having had enough of being manipulated by Lucy and Batiatus, and orders the men to block the door from the outside, TRAPPING EVERYONE ELSE IN THERE!
So the gladiators rampage, killing everyone who has been heretofore content to watch them rip each other to shreds in the arena whilst they sip wine and eat various fruits and things.
Agron and Duro are still down in the training yard, kicking ass, but not really bothering with name-taking. They kill all the soldiers and then high five for their badassery, but then OH SHIT! Duro sees one more coming and pushes Agron aside, taking a sword to the gut to save his brother.
Agron kills the SHIT out of the soldier who did it and still has time to catch Duro as he falls. Duro gives him a wistful look and says, "This time I saved you, brother..." and dies, and Agron cradles him and then kisses his forehead, and then bellows his rage and sadness and it is SO SAD!! AGRON WAS TRYING SO HARD TO KEEP HIM SAFE! ;____________;
Nobody ever told Agron about the crossroads.
Meanwhile, up in the villa of rampaging death, Aurelia is charged with keeping the magistrate's kid safe. The same kid who supposedly ordered her husband's death. She asks him about it and he's all, "What? That guy? He was nothing, he deserved to die," and she goes fucking nuts and stabs him over and over yelling, "He was MINE" until Spartacus comes to stop her.
Don't fuck with the gelflings.
Lucretia runs into Crixus and is all, "So, about the poison and sending Naevia off into unspeakable horrors... I'm pregnant with your baby?" :D
Crixus is all, "I would rather it be dead than nurse at your bosom" and stabbitys her.
Cut to the atrium, where it is all blood and mayhem, and Batiatus stands alone, trying to fend off the Gladiators. Enter Lucretia, stage right, having been freshly stabbed. She says his name and then falls, and Spartacus is all, "What would you have to hold your wife again? How many men would you kill?" (Which is what Batiatus said to him to convince him to gladiate) and it is AWESOME! Then Spartacus kills him dead and it is completely and utterly satisfying. Srsly, this show has the best villain deaths ever.
This was not the outcome Batiatus had in mind for the evening.
Spartacus goes on to speechify, "I HAVE DONE THIS THING BECAUSE IT IS JUST!"
Mira supposes it's better than his original plan.
He rallies the troops to join him to, y'know, be free and stuff.
LIKE A BOSS!
I'm sure Rome will be totally cool with that. Yup, things are finally looking up for the heretofore enslaved house of Batiatus residents.
I have a really good feeling about this, guys.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2012-04-07 03:11 am (UTC)(Also, hello, I got sucked into this show by
(no subject)
Date: 2012-04-07 03:24 am (UTC)(Hiiiii!! IDK what she told you, but she totally started watching all on her own! *whistles*)
(no subject)
Date: 2012-04-07 03:50 am (UTC)Oh, how I blather on. ANYWAY.
This recap is AMAZEBALLS. Every last bit of it. And! AND!@!! I can't even tell you how delighted I am that you included the screencap of Crixus tapping his shield. I swear to god, I squealed in glee when he did that, and then squealed s'more and Sparty pulling a Michael Jordan on the ludus. AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME.
tl;dr - I love this show. Really a lot. And you, too, for this summary.
(no subject)
Date: 2012-04-07 04:01 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-04-07 04:21 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-04-07 04:17 am (UTC)I was delighted to find out that kriari watched, though, so I'd have someone to squee with. And then we just sort of dragged blue into the fold to make one tiny Sparty party \o/
Totally valid! Spartacus inspires too many feelings to try and keep them to yourself. Hence the, y'know, five hour summary vomit over chat that was the basis for this post. AS YOU DO!
YES YES YES!! I may have rolled around in a fit of glee during KILL THEM ALL and Crixus FINALLY getting with the program OMG YAY!!!
tl;dr - I love this show. Really a lot. And you, too, for this summary.
♥! Thank you!! It is a good show to love. Also, full of lovely mostly-naked men ALL THE TIME! Also, also, the cast is adorable, the end!
(no subject)
Date: 2012-04-07 08:35 pm (UTC)See, I WANT to watch the show, but OWWIES. MY BELLY. When Ilithyia smashed that chick's skull in? Yeah, that was all I could take. BUT IT'S BEEN EATING AT ME! I keep trying to work up the courage to watch the rest, because I really wanted to know what happened, but - DUDE, EVEN NOW, my stomach is not in agreement. And I DO NOT have a weak stomach so it's the most fucked up thing ever.
Now that I know what's gonna happen, I think I can actually watch. I'm still gonna cry my eyes out like a little bitch when The Bad Things happen, but at least I'm now a little bit prepared.
I do hope you'll continue posting episode summaries so I can continue to watch without losing my cookies all over my laptop. That would not do at all.
<3 & Thanks!
(no subject)
Date: 2012-04-10 03:42 am (UTC)No, I totally totally get that. For the people I talked into watching, I was all, "OKAY YOU MIGHT WANT TO LOOK AWAY DURING THIS SCENE" because you can't unsee OMG! And I would say there is stuff in S2 that is definitely more disturbing.
Maybe I should do a "When to look away" guide, though that can also be really subjective. I think Licinia being killed was one of the worst because it was so unexpected, so it's different from, like, the arena scenes or whatever.
I shall! I have a lot of S2 already summarized, though it's way more detailed, so I might go episode by episode for that one.
Thank you for reading! <3
(no subject)
Date: 2012-04-07 11:37 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-04-10 03:42 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-06-09 09:43 pm (UTC)