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errant_janePrevious
Jensen has not gotten laid since before the whole Jeff thing and he can't quite work himself up into the right mood to go out, so he's been reading a lot. And jacking off. It's like he's fourteen again, really. The consensus, between Clare and Kristen at least, seems to be that he needs to start dating but Jensen doesn't know where to start with that. The social climate in Seattle isn't necessarily easy to navigate for that sort of thing.
So he spends a lot of time at the university's library in search of literary escapism.
"The glasses are new," Alex, the librarian, says when Jensen walks up to the counter to check out. He always uses the self check-out and he still always ends up spending a few minutes talking to him anyway. He's cute and if Jensen happens to have time to go to the library on his shift, it's not exactly a crime. Jensen is actually reading all of the books he checks out, after all.
"Yeah. I need to order more contacts." Jensen pauses, grins and shakes his head. "Scratch that. Bad story. I'm considering a career as a superhero and I'm trying out my secret identity options."
It's cheesy as hell but Alex laughs anyway. "Either way, it's a good look on you. Sort of a..."
"Sexy librarian?" Jensen asks. "Oh, wait. That's you." He's embarrassed as soon as he says it, even though Alex seems genuinely amused. Jensen gives him a sheepish grin. "I'm sorry, that was awful."
"Inexcusable, really." Alex is still smiling and Jensen figures, what the hell.
"So, we're flirting here, right?" he asks. "I mean, as opposed to you humoring me while I make an idiot out of myself."
Alex bites his lip and laughs again. "Definitely flirting."
"Right. So, would it be inappropriate for me to ask you out then?" Jensen runs his hand through his hair. "I mean, you're working and all, which means you're supposed to be nice to people. Feel free to stop me at any time."
"I'd love to go out with you, Jensen."
"Yeah?" Jensen looks around and then grabs one of the paper scraps by the computer and a tiny, dull pencil. He scribbles his name and number down. "If you wanna call me sometime when you're not at work and we can figure something out?"
"Sounds good." Alex takes the paper, folds it and slips it in his back pocket.
"Okay, then. Awesome." Jensen grabs his books off the counter and takes a step back. "I'm just gonna hold these hostage until I hear from you."
"I think that's against the superhero code of ethics," Alex points out.
"I wasn't really married to the whole crime-fighting idea anyway." Jensen gives Alex a dorky wave as a girl approaches the desk with a question, and he hurries out of the building before he can embarrass himself any further.
Alex calls the next day and they set a date for Friday. Jensen isn't exactly nervous as he gets ready. He thinks Alex is cute and funny and he enjoys talking to him, but if the evening goes horribly awry, it isn't going to break Jensen either. Maybe that's what he needs. He puts on a soft green sweater and his jeans and runs his hand over his jaw. It's not too bad, but he decides a once-over with the electric razor wouldn't hurt either.
Jared is at the stove making a quesadilla when Jensen gets downstairs, singing to himself, horribly off-key. Some pop song that Jensen recognizes but can't quite place and he hates that he finds it endearing.
"Hey, man. Hot cheese food," Jared calls out as Jensen steps into the bathroom. "You want in on this?"
"Uh, no thanks."
Halfway through shaving, Jensen sees Jared walk up behind him in the mirror and lean against the doorjamb, eating his quesadilla as he watches Jensen. "You look nice," he says when Jensen switches the razor off.
"Thanks. I, um. Have a date." Jensen raises his eyebrows as he says it and he takes a deep breath before turning to face Jared.
"A date." Jared still has a half-chewed bite of food stuck in his cheek and he's looking at Jensen like Jensen just announced that he kills hookers in his spare time, sort of horrified, but like he's still waiting the gotcha at the end of it.
"Yeah."
"With a guy?" Jared furrows his brows, like he's still trying to figure out what exactly they're talking about.
"No, I've decided I like pussy." Jensen turns away from him again, plucks his toothbrush from its holder and squirts some toothpaste on it. "Yeah, with a guy."
"Okay." Jared is using his 'humor the crazy person' tone, which Jensen does not find endearing. "Who is this guy?"
"Works at Suzzallo Library," Jensen says around his toothbrush. "Name's Alex." He spits and rinses and puts his toothbrush back. When he looks back up at Jared's reflection, Jared almost looks hurt.
"You're going on a date tonight with Hot Librarian Guy?" Jared's tone is flat, polite enough but not at all what Jensen was expecting and he's confused by it. Was Jared interested in Alex, too?
"Yeah. I figured I'd maybe give the whole dating thing another try." Jensen pauses and turns to face Jared, a little flare of hope in the pit of his stomach. "Is that? I mean, is there a reason I shouldn't?"
"Not at all." Jared doesn't even pause. He smiles brightly at Jensen and takes another bite of his quesadilla. "You should totally go on dates," he says as he chews. "That's awesome. You should do that. Good for you." He sounds less than convincing, but it's too weird for Jensen to try and figure out and he has to get going if he's going to catch his bus.
"Thanks for the vote of confidence. I think." Jensen brushes past Jared on his way out of the bathroom, checking his pockets to make sure he has everything. "Well, um." He turns back to Jared as he slips on his coat. "I'll see you later, then."
"Sure. Have fun." Somehow Jared manages to make that sound like, "Eat shit and die." Then he calls Jensen's name as Jensen's headed out the door and says, "You look really good, man." His voice is soft and sincere and Jensen wishes that Jared would just ask him to stay.
But he doesn't, so Jensen smiles and says, "Thanks," and has to run to catch his bus.
Halloween is on a Tuesday, so Misha and Clare's party is the Friday before. Jensen invites Alex to go with him on Monday and spends the rest of the week wondering whether or not that was a good idea.
They've been out on a couple of dates and Jensen's had a decent time. Alex is funny and smart. A little pretentious, but Jensen has been in Seattle for ten years now, all of those spent in and around academia, so he's pretty familiar with the type. It's not a deal-breaker, anyway. The dates have been good and the goodnight kisses have been pleasant, if not earth-shattering. Jensen doesn't have the overwhelming desire to drag Alex to his bedroom and have his way with him, but he thinks maybe that's how it's supposed to go. This initial pleasantness eventually turning into something more.
Jensen is putting the finishing touches on his costume when Alex arrives. He ended up going with Prince Philip from Sleeping Beauty due to a few key thrift store finds. Namely, a pair of green tapered jeans that are almost certainly from the eighties and a pair of black knee-high boots to go over them. To finish it off, he has on a black, long-sleeved shirt, a grey tunic fashioned from a pillow case, a belt and a red cape. Mostly he's excited about the cape. He's making it's securely fastened as he opens the door to find Alex dressed as a cowboy. It's cute.
"Prince Charming?" Alex asks, stepping inside.
"Prince Philip. From Sleeping Beauty. He's the best one."
"Why is that?"
"Because he can dance." Jensen gives his cape an experimental tug and grins when it doesn't come loose. "I think we're good to go." Alex looks a little puzzled, but Jensen's noticed that happening periodically and he's trying not to let it bug him. "Hey, Jared, I'm out of here," he shouts.
Jared's been holed up in his room, refusing to let Jensen see his costume until the party. As far as Jensen can tell, Jared has some weird Halloween superstitions. "Cool," Jared yells back. "See you there!"
"Shall we?" Jensen asks.
Alex has his car so they drive the few blocks to Clare and Misha's and park on the street. There already seems to be a good crowd and Jensen is starting the night in high spirits.
Misha comes up to greet them as soon as they step in the door. He's wearing a dark, pinstripe suit with a grey shirt, black vest, red tie and a fedora.
Jensen whistles low. "Looking sharp, Collins. You found that at a thrift store?"
"This?" Misha looks down. "No, this I had."
"I don't even know why I ask," Jensen mutters as Clare joins them. She's in a champagne-colored beaded flapper dress with a deep-plunging v-neck. "You look stunning." Jensen points at Clare and nods.
She dimples and puts one foot behind the other, executing a perfect curtsey. "Just so you're warned, Sophia and Chad are here as Adam and Eve. Next year I think we're going to have to put a minimum clothes requirement on the Evites."
"Yes. Chad is telling people that he is Homo erectus, a joke which apparently never grows old," Misha adds.
"Awesome. Thanks for the heads up." Jensen glances over at Alex and clears his throat. "So, guys, this is Alex. Alex, our hosts, Misha and Clare."
They're still all chatting when Jared arrives. Jensen takes one look at him and laughs so hard that he has to grab Misha's arm for balance. "Dude. What? What?" It's all he can manage.
Jared waddles up to them and grins. "I'm a mermaid!" He's wearing a long blonde wig, a coconut bra and what looks to be a teal skirt hacked from an eighties prom dress and fashioned to look like a fin. It curves out at Jared's hips and is gathered together at the bottom. There's a little bit of a ruffle and then Jared's gigantic, sneaker-clad feet. He looks ridiculous.
"You are so going to fall and break your neck by the end of the night," Jensen tells him.
"Ye of little faith." Jared bends over and tugs on something. He stands and kicks at the skirt until it bells out. "For when I find my Prince Charming and become human."
There's an awkward pause in which everyone else turns to look at Jensen. He clears his throat and smiles. "I'm Prince Philip."
"He's the best one," Jared says.
Clare quirks a brow. "Why's that?"
"He can dance."
"That's what I said!" Jensen grins at Jared and Jared grins back.
Beside him, Alex makes a frustrated noise. "That doesn't make any sense. They can all dance. They all dance." Jensen is too amused by Jared's self-satisfied grin to pay Alex's rant too much attention.
The night goes downhill from there.
Sometime between bobbing for apples and Jensen's fifth beer, Genevieve shows up with Danneel Harris of all people. Danneel is in a slinky red dress with a devil's tail and horns. Genevieve is in a black halter top, black skinny jeans and knee-high black boots, with a devil's tail and horns. Jensen is already laughing as they approach.
"Straight guys all over the country just popped wood and they have no idea why." He takes a sip of his beer and shakes his head. "Now, me? My balls tried to crawl up into my body immediately upon witnessing such an unholy alliance."
Genevieve bares her teeth at him.
"Balls?" Danneel asks with wide-eyed innocence. She slaps her forehead and chuckles. "I'm sorry, I keep forgetting you're not actually a lesbian, Ackles."
Jensen winks at her. "Sugar, if I were a lesbian, I'd spend my days following you around like a love-sick puppy." It's the truth. If Jensen were even a little bit into girls, he'd be head over heels for Danneel.
"We should hang out more," Danneel says happily. "Are you here alone?"
"No." Jensen looks around. "I believe my date is fetching me another drink. He's dd-ing it tonight." Alex walks up right after that and Jensen makes the introductions.
"Looks like your roommate is having a good time." Alex's tone is either judgmental or concerned. Jensen honestly can't tell which. Either way, he's not wrong.
"Yeah, I'm not sure what's going on there," Jensen admits. Jared is beyond trashed. As drunk as Jensen's ever seen him, including the night he and Brock broke up. Maybe it's just because he isn't playing Alcohol Nanny to Jensen tonight and he's walking home, but it still makes Jensen uneasy. Too much has been out of the ordinary lately to add this to the mix.
"Hey, Jensen," Genevieve says brightly. "Can I borrow you for a second? Girl talk," she adds at Danneel's surprised look.
"Uh. Sure." Jensen wonders what Genevieve wants as he follows her down the hall. They're friendly enough, but she really belongs to Jared. She's like his Kristen. "What's up?" he asks when they're out of earshot.
"Okay, look. This is kind of a dick move on my part and Jared would kill me if he knew I was saying this to you, but." She chews her lip and looks out at the party. "I know you can't help how you feel. That's not your fault. I'm just saying that maybe you could keep Jared's feelings in mind, too?"
"What?" Jensen's completely thrown by that. He has no idea what she thinks he's doing wrong. "I'm trying to." He brought a date to the party, he's trying to move on and not make things awkward. What more does she want from him?
She looks past him to where Alex is talking to Danneel and smirks. "Yeah. I can see you're making quite the effort."
"What was that about?" Alex asks when Jensen rejoins him and Genevieve and Danneel wander off.
"Lesbians are crazy is what that was about."
Jensen rubs his hand over his face and surveys the party. It's still in full swing, but he's starting to feel pretty exhausted. When he realizes that Jared is going from group to group, offering to grant a wish in exchange for kisses, he thinks it's a good time to call it a night.
"I think I need to get him home," Jensen tells Alex as they watch Misha and Chad try to manage Jared. "He's done it for me enough times. I owe him one."
"Do you want me to drive you guys back?"
For a moment, Jensen thinks about refusing, but Jared is very big and very drunk and it might be the best possible solution at this point. "That would be great, man. Thanks."
"Hey, Jensen. I'm a mermaid," Jared says as Jensen, Misha and Chad maneuver him to Alex's car.
"I know, buddy." Jensen opens the passenger door for him, as trying to fit Jared into the backseat would be difficult on a good day.
At some point, Jared lost the wig and the coconut bra, so he's now wandering around in the skirt and his sneakers. Jensen has no idea how he isn't freezing his ass off.
"Wish for a kiss?" Jared furrows his brow. "Kiss for a wish?" he asks more cautiously.
"I think I'll pass this time. I've got it from here, guys," he says to Misha and Chad. "Thanks."
"Yeah." Jared's expression crumples and he sighs, leaning against the car. "I thought you might say that."
"Why don't you get in the car and we can go home and go to bed, huh?"
Jared eyes him warily. "Alone."
"Yeah, Jay." Jensen sighs and looks over at Alex. He has no idea what he's thinking of this conversation, but it can't be good. "Alone."
"Fine." Jared slides into the car with surprising grace.
Jensen shuts the door behind him after making sure the skirt is all tucked inside and gets into the back seat. "Thanks for doing this," he tells Alex as he starts the car.
"No problem," Alex says. Jensen doesn't know him well enough to know whether or not he means that, but he's grateful all the same.
"Hey, Jensen." Jared is leaning his head against the window and his breath steams up the glass as he breathes. "I'm sorry."
"It's cool. I think I still owe you one from New Year's Eve." Jared reaches over the seat to pat his shoulder, momentarily forgetting that Jared isn't wearing a shirt. His skin is smooth and warm and the touch ends up being more of a caress than a pat.
"No. I mean." Jared makes a frustrated noise and when he speaks again, his voice is a little quieter. "That thing that we're not talking about. I know we're not talking about it, but I'm sorry."
Jensen's throat tightens at that and he looks down at his hands while he answers. "It's cool. Don't—You don't have to apologize for that, Jared. It's not your fault."
"I don't want you to hate me," Jared says miserably.
"Don't worry, man. I don't think that's even possible."
When they get to the house, Jensen asks Alex to wait for a minute as he gets Jared inside. He leaves him drinking a glass of water and hurries back out to the car. Alex is leaning against the passenger's side, studying his shoes.
"Sorry about that. He's usually not like that."
"It's cool." Alex looks up at him and smiles. "I've had fun hanging out with you, Jensen."
Something in his tone makes Jensen cringe. He scratches the back of his neck and looks away. "So, that's it, then?"
"I like you, but I kind of feel like I'm stepping into the middle of something here."
Jensen wants to tell him that he's not, that this isn't what it looks like at all. But that's a lie and Jensen is too tired and doesn't care enough to make something up. "More like the end than the middle?" At Alex's skeptical look he adds, "Possibly an epilogue to follow. I don't know."
"Well, good luck with that."
"Thanks." He watches Alex get back in his car and drive off and he doesn't even feel a little bit bummed about it. Which means that either Alex was the wrong guy completely or it's going to take a lot more than Jensen wants to think about to get over the whole Jared thing.
Jensen goes on a few more dates with different people between Halloween and Thanksgiving. Without exception, he gets home at a decent hour, spends the rest of the evening with Jared and doesn't call any of the guys back for a second date. It's frustrating and his newfound celibacy is making him feel a little crazy. He'd gotten so far as necking in the car with one guy, but he kept remembering Jared's hands on him, Jared's mouth slanting aggressively over his and he found himself not all that interested in the hipster kid he was actually kissing.
It's a problem.
Luckily, Thanksgiving arrives and distracts Jensen from the tatters of his former love life. He spends the holiday at home with his family for the first time since college and it's really good. His mom can tell he's distracted and Jensen tells her part of the story. That he's dating and it's rough, that he wants to find someone who brings out the best in him.
She smiles and tells him, "The Lord brings the right people into our lives when he thinks we're ready for them, baby." Which is well-meaning and a sweet thought, but not very helpful as far as practical applications are concerned.
The family time is nice, but Jensen is grateful to get back to Seattle, back to his house with his own bed and all of his stuff. Back to Jared.
Unfortunately, with their schedules, he doesn't really get to spend any time with Jared for another week and even then, Jared is distracted and scattered, busy with school stuff again. Jensen misses him.
It isn't until the quarter is over and Jared is packing to go home that Jensen has a chance to have an actual conversation with him. He's sprawled on Jared's bed, watching as Jared puts stuff in his suitcase, then takes it out again. Jared is one of the worst packers Jensen's ever seen. He finds it highly entertaining.
"So, I was thinking. What would you say to Austin again for New Year's? If I promise not to, y'know, drink an entire bottle of champagne." Jensen holds up his hand, placing the other over his heart. "Scout's honor."
Jared's mouth twitches into a smile. "You weren't a scout."
"It's the thought that counts. What do you say?"
"Um. Maybe." Jared takes one pair of jeans out of his suitcase and replaces them with another, as far as Jensen can tell, identical pair. "I'm not sure what's going on with the family."
"Okay." Jensen scratches his neck and frowns. "I guess I'll make the reservations just in case? I'd rather have them and then if we have to cancel or whatever."
"That's—Whatever. I don't really care." Jared looks at the stack of shirts and sweaters still sitting on the bed, grabs a handful and just stuffs it in his suitcase. He frowns at the pile and says, "Actually, I kind of wanted to. Um. I've been thinking." Jared stares at his clothes like he's willing them into submission.
Or very much avoiding looking at Jensen.
"Okay," Jensen says slowly. "About what?"
"I think that when we get back, I'm going to start looking for my own place."
It's so brutally unexpected, Jensen feels like the breath has been squeezed out of him. He boggles at Jared for several long moments and Jared stares at his suitcase. "You, uh. You mind telling me why?" Jensen finally manages.
Jared's eyes flick up to Jensen's face at that, his gaze completely shuttered. "I just think it's a good time." He looks away again as Jensen tries not to completely lose his mind.
"Right. Okay." It's such bullshit, Jensen doesn't even know where to start. Jared still has a year and a half of grad school left. He's going to be insanely busy next quarter and he can't exactly afford to live on his own. Now is, in fact, the worst possible time for him to move and Jensen feels so panicked and frustrated at the moment that he kind of wants to punch him.
What do you want me to do? Jensen wants to ask. Jesus, Jared, I'm trying. Just tell me what to do and I'll do it, because your friendship is more important than anything else.
"Jared." Jensen waits for Jared to look at him, but the pause stretches long enough for him to realize that's not going to happen. He rolls off of the bed and watches Jared for another moment before shaking his head. "Do whatever the hell you want, man." He slaps the doorjamb on the way out.
They don't talk for the rest of the evening and when Jensen wakes up the next day, Jared is already gone.
Jensen goes home a few days after Jared and for the first time, he's actively glad to be leaving Seattle. The house is huge and silent and oppressive with Jared gone. And lonely.
As soon as he steps into his parent's house, he's swept up in a whirlwind of holiday activity, shopping and cooking and eating. Everyone catching up, playing games after dinner, watching movies before bed. It's nice and Jensen doesn't have to think or worry or be on his guard. If anything good came out of his period of estrangement with his family, it's that he's no longer hesitant about being himself around them. It's a good time and place for him to take cover and lick his wounds.
"You want to talk about it?" His mom flips on the kitchen light, totally busting Jensen as he digs around in the freezer after-hours for the peppermint ice cream.
He finally finds the carton and tugs it out before turning to face his mom. Everyone else has been in bed for awhile and he figured he could get in some quality moping time.
"Ice cream?" Jensen offers. His mom gives him a pointed look and Jensen sighs. "How much do you actually want to hear, Momma?" Just because he knows he's not going to get kicked out of the family doesn't mean that his parents are one hundred percent okay with hearing about his love life.
"As much as you want to tell me." She pulls out a chair and sits down at the kitchen table.
"Okay." Jensen nods to himself and gets a bowl out of the cupboard. He spoons out some ice cream and puts the carton back in the freezer before sitting down next to her.
She's wearing her robe over her pajamas and she looks exactly as she's always looked. A little older, maybe. A few grey hairs here and there, but she's so very mom-like and her presence is comforting. Jensen wants to tell her everything and have her fix it with her magic Mom powers.
"I'm in love with Jared." Jensen's had enough time to mull it over in his mind that he can say it now with out the "maybe" and "sort of" qualifiers. When he looks at his mom, she doesn't seem all that surprised. "Everyone else I've told has had their 'I told you so' moments, so feel free."
"If that's your way of asking if I suspected your feelings for him ran deeper than friendship..." She spreads her hands on the table and shrugs. "You light up when you're around him, baby. A mother can tell."
Jensen rolls his eyes at that. He's always amused when she claims to have magic maternal knowledge, despite the fact that he attributes it to her himself. "Yeah, well, he doesn't feel the same way."
"You've talked about it?"
"No. We have very pointedly not talked about it." Jensen takes a bite of his ice cream, letting it melt in his mouth so that he can suck on the bits of candy before continuing. "Anyway, now he's talking about moving out, because it's weird for him or something. I don't know." He takes one deep breath, then another to fight back the panicky hurt feeling that clenches in his chest whenever he thinks about it. "I don't know what he wants, or doesn't want. I don't know what to do. I just. I don't want him to leave."
She reaches up and pats his cheek briefly, smiling sadly. "I'm not sure this is what you want to hear, but I think you're going to have to talk to him."
Jensen shakes his head. "I don't want to force it. I don't want to lose him."
"Sweetheart, from what you're saying, it sounds like you're already there. Now hear me out," she says before he can protest. "What has tiptoeing around the issue gotten you? If he's at the point of leaving now, what have you got to lose?"
"What if I do? If I tell him everything and he still wants to leave?" Jensen can't help the way his voice goes rough at that. It's something he doesn't even want to contemplate.
"Then at least you won't spend the rest of your life wondering what would have happened if you'd taken the chance." She pats his hand. "You know how I said God brings you the right people at the right time?"
"Yeah."
"He also helps those who help themselves." She smiles like she realizes just how cheesy that sounds. "Talk to Jared. If it wasn't meant to be, then it wasn't meant to be. But at least then you'll have tried."
"Okay." Jensen nods and stirs his spoon around in his now-soupy ice cream. "I'll talk to him. It's gonna suck, but I'll do it."
She stands up and kisses his head. "That's my boy."
A few minutes later, after she's headed up to bed, Jensen pulls out his phone and texts Jared.
u up?
The phone rings a minute later. "It's after midnight."
Jensen laughs. "That's why I asked if you were up. Hey."
"Hey." Jared sounds amused, his voice low and warm and rough. "What's going on?" They've only exchanged a couple of texts since Jared left and it's already kind of awkward.
"Meet me in Austin for New Year's," Jensen blurts out. It wasn't what he'd planned to say, but suddenly he wants to have the conversation face-to-face. Or maybe he just wants to postpone it for a few more days. "Please, Jay? If you're gonna—I mean. We should at least end the year on a good note. You and me." Us.
He can hear the gust of air as Jared sighs and the silence stretches long enough that Jensen wants to blurt something stupid out because that would be more bearable. Finally Jared laughs and says, "Yeah, okay. Why the fuck not, right?"
"Right," Jensen says. It's not exactly the answer he wanted, but he'll definitely take it. "Thanks, Jared. Seriously."
"Yeah, man. It'll be fun. Give me a call tomorrow and we'll work out logistics." Jared sounds resigned more than anything and Jensen realizes his mom is right. When all is said and done, Jensen may very well crash and burn, but he's pretty sure that it's better than continuing to fall indefinitely.
"Will do."
Jensen's plan, if he can call it that, is to lay it all on the line as soon as they meet up. Put everything out there and see what happens. Then they can either start the year together, or on their own. Logically, Jensen knows that New Year's isn't really different from any other day, but he keeps thinking of that thing—how you spend New Year's Eve is how you'll spend the rest of the year. Jensen wants to spend it with Jared.
Unfortunately, Jared isn't aware of the plan and he bulldozes through it in a way that Jensen is unable, or perhaps reluctant, to avoid. As soon as they get to the hotel, Jared hops in the shower and when he's done, he insists that they get ready and go out because he's starving half to death.
The restaurant they end up in is crowded and noisy and not at all conducive to the conversation Jensen wants to have, and from there they're on to the bars. It's like Jared already knows what he's going to say and is doing everything in his power to avoid having to interact with Jensen directly. Jensen lets him, his determination wavering. He wonders if he should accept what Jared's actions are saying and let it go. Enjoy this one last hurrah and let Jared go.
They end up at a different bar than the one they were at last year, though this one is no less noisy or crowded. Jensen is sticking to beer for the evening and Jared follows suit. There is a band playing, someone Jensen's never heard of. He and Jared stand next to each other, drink their beers and watch a show that neither of them gives a shit about. The hours leading up to midnight seem interminable.
As the countdown begins at the minute mark, Jared bends down to Jensen and says, "Gotta pee. Be right back." He's already weaving his way through the crowd by the time Jensen looks up, startled.
"Like hell." Jensen is only mildly buzzed, if that, and he's suddenly pissed. If he had to suffer through this entire horrible evening of complete shit, he's at least getting a midnight kiss for his trouble. He follows after Jared and makes it into the bathroom as the crowd hits "Ten!"
Jared is standing at the sink, scrubbing his hands over his face and they're alone in there because everyone else is obviously smart enough to not ring in the New Year in the bathroom.
"I'm not getting my kiss from some random fucker," Jensen says at Jared's startled look. He tugs Jared's arm until Jared turns around and crowds him against the counter. There's a roar out in the bar as Jared stares at him. After a split-second's hesitation, Jensen reaches up and pulls Jared down with both hands because, for better or worse, they're here together right now and if this is all Jensen gets, he's going for broke.
The moment they get close enough, before their lips even touch, Jared responds like he's been shocked and he's the one who closes the remaining distance. It's as good as Jensen remembers it, better because he's expecting it this time. He's kissing Jared back and it's full-on battle for dominance because this time Jensen knows what he wants and he's ready to take it if Jared's offering it up.
Jensen presses Jared back against the counter, even as Jared tugs at his hips to bring them closer together. He threads his fingers through Jared's hair as Jared sucks at his bottom lip, biting down hard enough that Jensen feels it all over before he slots their mouths back together. They kiss desperate and hungry, like they can make up for two years of wanting this in the next two minutes and Jensen wants to sob with relief.
They only break apart when the door bangs open and someone says, "Uh. Sorry," before ducking out again.
"Jesus." Jensen keeps his eyes closed as he presses his forehead against Jared's and laughs. "Tell me that we can go back to the hotel now and continue this." He's completely turned-on, lightheaded and overheated in the stuffy little bathroom and Jared is hard against his hip. He hasn't let Jensen go.
When Jared doesn't answer Jensen opens his eyes, leans back enough that he can see Jared's face. Jared's eyes are dark, his pupils wide as he looks at Jensen with a heated sort of focus that makes Jensen's dick throb. "Or here. I could make here work."
Jared smiles then. His lips are pink from kissing and all Jensen wants to do is kiss him again. "Hotel would be better."
"Thank God." Jensen leans in for another kiss that doesn't end up being quite as short as he intends it, but he's able to break it off before they really start to go at it again. "I'm too old to be fucking in bathrooms."
"Fuck." Jared makes a frustrated noise and steps around Jensen and out of the bathroom, apparently just assuming that Jensen will follow him.
In all fairness, it's a safe assumption for him to make.
How they make it back to the hotel, Jensen honestly can't say. All his concentration is taken up keeping his hands off of Jared on the way. He's able to hold out until the hotel door shuts behind them and then he has Jared pressed up against it, kissing him again because Jared's mouth is incredible, perfect. Jensen wants to set up camp there and never leave.
Jared's hands come up between them, fumbling with the buttons of Jensen's shirt until he realizes they're pearl snaps and yanks. He pushes the shirt off of Jensen's shoulders and down his arms where it gets tangled in Jensen's attempts to speed the process along. For a moment he's caught up in it and Jared twists the material in his grip, pulling Jensen's arms tighter behind him.
Jensen breaks the kiss to look up at him, but it's still dark in the room and Jared's face is half in shadow. He can feel the intensity of Jared's stare, though, as Jared gives the shirt a little tug and Jensen full-body shudders. "Yeah." Jensen nods and jerks his hips against Jared's. "Fuck, yeah. We can—"
The rest of his sentence is lost in the wet heat of Jared's mouth and Jensen does eventually free his hands when Jared lets go of the shirt to map the bare skin of Jensen's back.
"Want," Jensen pants between kisses. "Jared. Jared." His problem is that he wants everything all at once. He has no idea where to start and he can't actually stop kissing Jared long enough to even think about it.
"God, Jensen," Jared whispers against his lips. "Anything." He's undoing Jensen's jeans as he says it and he gets a hand down there, cupping Jensen through his boxers. Jensen makes a broken, needy sound as he bucks against Jared's hand.
"Please. Fuck, Jared. Please, just—" Jensen breaks off when Jared moves to slip his hand underneath the elastic.
Jared's hand his huge, his skin hot as he closes his fingers around Jensen's cock. It's the most amazing feeling in the world. He's already so hard, wants this so much and he's not used to denying himself. There's no way he's going to last long. Jensen wants to taste Jared's mouth again, but after a few clumsy attempts, he quits trying. Instead, he pants against him and clutches at his shoulders as Jared jerks him off, steady and perfect.
"Come on, Jen." Jared moves so he's talking into Jensen's ear, his voice a low, dirty rumble. "Wanna see you come apart for me." Jensen nods and Jared leans back to watch him with his gorgeous, slanted cat-eyes. "So fucking sexy. All the time. Drives me insane." Jared's strokes speed up and Jensen teeters on the edge, every muscle in his body drawn tight with pleasure.
"Jared," is all he manages to say before he tips over, shaking as he comes, jizz coating his stomach, the inside of his underwear and Jared's fist. "Fuck." He finally bats Jared's hand away and Jared laughs rough and breathless as he eases his hand out of Jensen's pants.
Jensen surges up to kiss him again, the edge of desperation slightly dulled, but he is nowhere near satisfied. He ignores the squelch in his shorts and the fact that Jared places his sticky hand low on Jensen's back in favor of the way Jared's tongue curls against his. "Wanna blow you," he says when he finally steps back. "Okay?" He tugs Jared's jeans open without really waiting for an answer.
There's a thunk as Jared hits his head back against the door and his laugh sounds strained. "Is the answer to that ever no?"
"No," Jensen concedes as he drops to the floor. He tugs Jared's jeans down over his hips, the boxers he's more careful with, easing the elastic over Jared's erection before shoving them out of his way. "You put that hand on my hair and we're gonna have words," Jensen says, and he can feel Jared wiping his hand on his shirt as he ducks down to take the head of Jared's cock into his mouth.
Jared's dick is in proportion with the rest of his body and Jensen can only take so much, his jaw stretched wide as he bobs his head down and moves back again. He curves one hand around the base of Jared's cock to stroke what he can't reach with his mouth and braces his other hand against Jared's hip, rubbing his thumb against the smooth skin there.
It's incredibly fucking hot, the weight of Jared against his tongue, the bitter, musky taste of him. Amazing and messy, no time at all before Jensen's hand and chin are slick with spit and if Jensen hadn't just shot, he's sure he'd be getting off on this without Jared having to touch him at all.
"Christ, Jensen." Jared sounds awed as his fingertips skip over Jensen's forehead, his cheek, down to trace where Jensen's lips are stretched around him before moving his hand to the back of Jensen's head. Not pushing or pulling, just resting there.
Jensen glances up at him, wishing they'd bothered to turn on the lights so that he could see Jared's face better. It's all shadows and angles and Jensen wants to watch, see Jared's lips part as he pants and makes those hungry little noises. He moans a little at the thought and Jared's hips twitch forward in response. It makes Jensen want to practice, do this over and over until he can take it all, wants to feel Jared fuck his mouth until he comes down his throat. When he moans again, Jared tugs at his hair, gentle but urgent.
"Fuck, Jensen. Gonna. Fuck. Fuck." Jared whimpers as Jensen pulls off with an obscene wet slurp and holds off long enough for Jensen to sit back on his heels.
It takes less than two full strokes of Jensen's hand before Jared is coming, folding up on himself as it hits Jensen's chest in fat, sticky ropes.
"So," Jensen's voice is scratchy as he stands, forcing Jared to straighten up. "How long before we can do that again?"
Jared laughs at that and Jensen kisses him just to feel it against his lips.
"Don't go," he whispers when they break apart. "Please."
"Where am I going?" Jared sounds sleepy and satisfied and he looks so content that Jensen's heart thumps happily in his chest.
Jensen leans in to kiss him again. "The house. Don't move out. I don't want you to leave."
There's a moment there where everything feels perfect, resolved. Then Jared tenses against him and grabs Jensen's shoulders, gently moving him back. "You're unbelievable," he says quietly, bending to tug his boxers and pants back up.
The words and the tone are at odds and Jensen has no idea what caused the shift, why the tension is back full-force. Jared pushes him back a little bit more and then steps past him. They hadn't even made it three feet into the room.
"Okay, I've clearly missed something." Jensen turns to watch Jared walk toward the bathroom.
"We should get cleaned up. Go to bed. We both have a drive to make tomorrow." Jared's voice is flat, his words clipped and terse.
"Jared." Jensen flounders for what to say. He's so completely lost as to what just happened and Jared is giving nothing away as he stands at the sink and cleans himself off with a damp washcloth. "Can you just tell me what's going on?"
"You might want to get a shower." It's all Jared will say to him and Jensen realizes that his voice is actually shaking. Like Jared is pissed off.
So Jensen takes his advice, walks past Jared without saying a word and into the tiny bathroom. He steps out of his sticky clothes, grimacing as he peels the material away from his body. He leaves them in a pile on the floor. Thankfully he'd thought to pack a second pair of jeans.
The hot water feels good, soothes his nerves a little and he figures maybe once he's out of the shower, Jared will have calmed down enough to actually talk to him because right now Jensen feels a little insane. Neither of them is drunk and Jared was a very willing participant in what happened. It wasn't until afterward that he flipped out and Jensen honestly can't figure out what set him off.
He's feeling better by the time he shuts the water off, positive that whatever snag they've hit, it can be worked out. But when he goes back into the room, all the lights are out and Jared is in the middle of the outside bed, his back to the bathroom and Jensen.
"What, are you fucking five, dude?" Jensen asks, but he gets no answer. He digs around in his bag for a clean pair of boxers and pulls them on. "Jared," he tries once more. When Jared doesn't move to acknowledge him, Jensen frowns and climbs into the empty bed.
There's absolutely no way they're not talking about this in the morning. Jensen promises himself that as he closes his eyes to try and get some sleep. It's impossible, of course, and he lays there for hours, his eyes closed, listening to Jared not sleep in the other bed.
"Jensen, c'mon. Wake up." Jared is shaking his shoulder and it takes a few moments for Jensen to get his bearings.
The previous night comes rushing back to him and when he opens his eyes, Jared straightens immediately and turns away from him. "Checkout is in an hour."
"Okay." Jensen still has his contacts in, scratchy and dry when he blinks, which figures. He gets up and goes into the bathroom. Pisses and then grabs the clothes that he left crumpled on the floor, bundling them up before walking back into the room and shoving them in his bag.
Jared is watching the weather channel with more concentration than it warrants as Jensen gets dressed. He wants to take his contacts out, but it's already sunny outside and he'll need his sunglasses on the drive back to his parents' house, so he takes them out, cleans them and puts them back in.
Once he has all his shit together, he walks over to the TV and hits the power button before looking at Jared. "You know we're not leaving until we talk about it. What happened last night?"
"Thought you, of all people, would recognize it," Jared says.
That hits its mark and Jensen smirks. "Yeah, the sex I actually figured out. It's the Jekyll and Hyde you pulled afterward that I'm having a little trouble with."
Jared makes a face like he's trying not to sneer and then stands up and walks away from Jensen, around to the other side of the bed where his bag is sitting, ready to go. "I just wish that—" He wrinkles his nose and smiles bitterly. "If you wanted something from me, you should've just said so."
Jensen's not sure how to track that line of thought and he shakes his head, confused.
"Like." Jared makes a frustrated noise, his hands clenching at his sides. "What? Now if I don't move out, I get to fuck you?"
It's the absolute last thing Jensen was expecting and it stuns him as he tries to arrange it in some way that makes sense. He'd have been less surprised if Jared had punched him. That probably wouldn't have hurt so much. Jensen opens his mouth a few times before he manages to get out an, "Oh. Is that?" He has to stop, force a few breaths through the tightening in his chest. He licks his lips and tries again. "Is that really what you think of me?" When Jared looks away, doesn't otherwise respond, Jensen nods. "Oh. Okay."
He starts gathering his stuff, sort of blindly, but luckily he had it all in one place. His keys are in his pocket and fuck it if he forgot anything else. He's almost to the door, ready to walk out, but he knows if he does that, there's no going back, so he stops. Clenches his jaw and then releases it.
"Out of respect for what our friendship has been, whatever this is now, I'm going to assume you didn't mean that to sound like it did." Jensen's voice is low and he can feel it waver. There's no way he can actually look at Jared and get this out, so he stares at the door in front of him.
"I admit that I haven't always been overly discerning in who I fuck and whatever you think that makes me... Whatever. I don't have to justify it to you. But just so we're clear, if I fuck someone, it's because I want sex. That's where it begins and ends." His heart is pounding in his throat and he can feel his anger, slow boiling under the surface. "I have not ever felt the need to whore myself out for anything or anyone. I certainly didn't start last night with you."
Jensen risks a glance at Jared, then. His eyes are wide and his skin chalky under his perpetual tan.
"No. Jensen, I didn't—"
That's as far as Jensen lets him get before he leaves the room, slamming the door behind him. He makes it to his parents' car, gets his stuff loaded, starts the engine. Jared doesn't come after him and Jensen feels like the world's biggest idiot for ever thinking he would.
Next
Jensen has not gotten laid since before the whole Jeff thing and he can't quite work himself up into the right mood to go out, so he's been reading a lot. And jacking off. It's like he's fourteen again, really. The consensus, between Clare and Kristen at least, seems to be that he needs to start dating but Jensen doesn't know where to start with that. The social climate in Seattle isn't necessarily easy to navigate for that sort of thing.
So he spends a lot of time at the university's library in search of literary escapism.
"The glasses are new," Alex, the librarian, says when Jensen walks up to the counter to check out. He always uses the self check-out and he still always ends up spending a few minutes talking to him anyway. He's cute and if Jensen happens to have time to go to the library on his shift, it's not exactly a crime. Jensen is actually reading all of the books he checks out, after all.
"Yeah. I need to order more contacts." Jensen pauses, grins and shakes his head. "Scratch that. Bad story. I'm considering a career as a superhero and I'm trying out my secret identity options."
It's cheesy as hell but Alex laughs anyway. "Either way, it's a good look on you. Sort of a..."
"Sexy librarian?" Jensen asks. "Oh, wait. That's you." He's embarrassed as soon as he says it, even though Alex seems genuinely amused. Jensen gives him a sheepish grin. "I'm sorry, that was awful."
"Inexcusable, really." Alex is still smiling and Jensen figures, what the hell.
"So, we're flirting here, right?" he asks. "I mean, as opposed to you humoring me while I make an idiot out of myself."
Alex bites his lip and laughs again. "Definitely flirting."
"Right. So, would it be inappropriate for me to ask you out then?" Jensen runs his hand through his hair. "I mean, you're working and all, which means you're supposed to be nice to people. Feel free to stop me at any time."
"I'd love to go out with you, Jensen."
"Yeah?" Jensen looks around and then grabs one of the paper scraps by the computer and a tiny, dull pencil. He scribbles his name and number down. "If you wanna call me sometime when you're not at work and we can figure something out?"
"Sounds good." Alex takes the paper, folds it and slips it in his back pocket.
"Okay, then. Awesome." Jensen grabs his books off the counter and takes a step back. "I'm just gonna hold these hostage until I hear from you."
"I think that's against the superhero code of ethics," Alex points out.
"I wasn't really married to the whole crime-fighting idea anyway." Jensen gives Alex a dorky wave as a girl approaches the desk with a question, and he hurries out of the building before he can embarrass himself any further.
Alex calls the next day and they set a date for Friday. Jensen isn't exactly nervous as he gets ready. He thinks Alex is cute and funny and he enjoys talking to him, but if the evening goes horribly awry, it isn't going to break Jensen either. Maybe that's what he needs. He puts on a soft green sweater and his jeans and runs his hand over his jaw. It's not too bad, but he decides a once-over with the electric razor wouldn't hurt either.
Jared is at the stove making a quesadilla when Jensen gets downstairs, singing to himself, horribly off-key. Some pop song that Jensen recognizes but can't quite place and he hates that he finds it endearing.
"Hey, man. Hot cheese food," Jared calls out as Jensen steps into the bathroom. "You want in on this?"
"Uh, no thanks."
Halfway through shaving, Jensen sees Jared walk up behind him in the mirror and lean against the doorjamb, eating his quesadilla as he watches Jensen. "You look nice," he says when Jensen switches the razor off.
"Thanks. I, um. Have a date." Jensen raises his eyebrows as he says it and he takes a deep breath before turning to face Jared.
"A date." Jared still has a half-chewed bite of food stuck in his cheek and he's looking at Jensen like Jensen just announced that he kills hookers in his spare time, sort of horrified, but like he's still waiting the gotcha at the end of it.
"Yeah."
"With a guy?" Jared furrows his brows, like he's still trying to figure out what exactly they're talking about.
"No, I've decided I like pussy." Jensen turns away from him again, plucks his toothbrush from its holder and squirts some toothpaste on it. "Yeah, with a guy."
"Okay." Jared is using his 'humor the crazy person' tone, which Jensen does not find endearing. "Who is this guy?"
"Works at Suzzallo Library," Jensen says around his toothbrush. "Name's Alex." He spits and rinses and puts his toothbrush back. When he looks back up at Jared's reflection, Jared almost looks hurt.
"You're going on a date tonight with Hot Librarian Guy?" Jared's tone is flat, polite enough but not at all what Jensen was expecting and he's confused by it. Was Jared interested in Alex, too?
"Yeah. I figured I'd maybe give the whole dating thing another try." Jensen pauses and turns to face Jared, a little flare of hope in the pit of his stomach. "Is that? I mean, is there a reason I shouldn't?"
"Not at all." Jared doesn't even pause. He smiles brightly at Jensen and takes another bite of his quesadilla. "You should totally go on dates," he says as he chews. "That's awesome. You should do that. Good for you." He sounds less than convincing, but it's too weird for Jensen to try and figure out and he has to get going if he's going to catch his bus.
"Thanks for the vote of confidence. I think." Jensen brushes past Jared on his way out of the bathroom, checking his pockets to make sure he has everything. "Well, um." He turns back to Jared as he slips on his coat. "I'll see you later, then."
"Sure. Have fun." Somehow Jared manages to make that sound like, "Eat shit and die." Then he calls Jensen's name as Jensen's headed out the door and says, "You look really good, man." His voice is soft and sincere and Jensen wishes that Jared would just ask him to stay.
But he doesn't, so Jensen smiles and says, "Thanks," and has to run to catch his bus.
Halloween is on a Tuesday, so Misha and Clare's party is the Friday before. Jensen invites Alex to go with him on Monday and spends the rest of the week wondering whether or not that was a good idea.
They've been out on a couple of dates and Jensen's had a decent time. Alex is funny and smart. A little pretentious, but Jensen has been in Seattle for ten years now, all of those spent in and around academia, so he's pretty familiar with the type. It's not a deal-breaker, anyway. The dates have been good and the goodnight kisses have been pleasant, if not earth-shattering. Jensen doesn't have the overwhelming desire to drag Alex to his bedroom and have his way with him, but he thinks maybe that's how it's supposed to go. This initial pleasantness eventually turning into something more.
Jensen is putting the finishing touches on his costume when Alex arrives. He ended up going with Prince Philip from Sleeping Beauty due to a few key thrift store finds. Namely, a pair of green tapered jeans that are almost certainly from the eighties and a pair of black knee-high boots to go over them. To finish it off, he has on a black, long-sleeved shirt, a grey tunic fashioned from a pillow case, a belt and a red cape. Mostly he's excited about the cape. He's making it's securely fastened as he opens the door to find Alex dressed as a cowboy. It's cute.
"Prince Charming?" Alex asks, stepping inside.
"Prince Philip. From Sleeping Beauty. He's the best one."
"Why is that?"
"Because he can dance." Jensen gives his cape an experimental tug and grins when it doesn't come loose. "I think we're good to go." Alex looks a little puzzled, but Jensen's noticed that happening periodically and he's trying not to let it bug him. "Hey, Jared, I'm out of here," he shouts.
Jared's been holed up in his room, refusing to let Jensen see his costume until the party. As far as Jensen can tell, Jared has some weird Halloween superstitions. "Cool," Jared yells back. "See you there!"
"Shall we?" Jensen asks.
Alex has his car so they drive the few blocks to Clare and Misha's and park on the street. There already seems to be a good crowd and Jensen is starting the night in high spirits.
Misha comes up to greet them as soon as they step in the door. He's wearing a dark, pinstripe suit with a grey shirt, black vest, red tie and a fedora.
Jensen whistles low. "Looking sharp, Collins. You found that at a thrift store?"
"This?" Misha looks down. "No, this I had."
"I don't even know why I ask," Jensen mutters as Clare joins them. She's in a champagne-colored beaded flapper dress with a deep-plunging v-neck. "You look stunning." Jensen points at Clare and nods.
She dimples and puts one foot behind the other, executing a perfect curtsey. "Just so you're warned, Sophia and Chad are here as Adam and Eve. Next year I think we're going to have to put a minimum clothes requirement on the Evites."
"Yes. Chad is telling people that he is Homo erectus, a joke which apparently never grows old," Misha adds.
"Awesome. Thanks for the heads up." Jensen glances over at Alex and clears his throat. "So, guys, this is Alex. Alex, our hosts, Misha and Clare."
They're still all chatting when Jared arrives. Jensen takes one look at him and laughs so hard that he has to grab Misha's arm for balance. "Dude. What? What?" It's all he can manage.
Jared waddles up to them and grins. "I'm a mermaid!" He's wearing a long blonde wig, a coconut bra and what looks to be a teal skirt hacked from an eighties prom dress and fashioned to look like a fin. It curves out at Jared's hips and is gathered together at the bottom. There's a little bit of a ruffle and then Jared's gigantic, sneaker-clad feet. He looks ridiculous.
"You are so going to fall and break your neck by the end of the night," Jensen tells him.
"Ye of little faith." Jared bends over and tugs on something. He stands and kicks at the skirt until it bells out. "For when I find my Prince Charming and become human."
There's an awkward pause in which everyone else turns to look at Jensen. He clears his throat and smiles. "I'm Prince Philip."
"He's the best one," Jared says.
Clare quirks a brow. "Why's that?"
"He can dance."
"That's what I said!" Jensen grins at Jared and Jared grins back.
Beside him, Alex makes a frustrated noise. "That doesn't make any sense. They can all dance. They all dance." Jensen is too amused by Jared's self-satisfied grin to pay Alex's rant too much attention.
The night goes downhill from there.
Sometime between bobbing for apples and Jensen's fifth beer, Genevieve shows up with Danneel Harris of all people. Danneel is in a slinky red dress with a devil's tail and horns. Genevieve is in a black halter top, black skinny jeans and knee-high black boots, with a devil's tail and horns. Jensen is already laughing as they approach.
"Straight guys all over the country just popped wood and they have no idea why." He takes a sip of his beer and shakes his head. "Now, me? My balls tried to crawl up into my body immediately upon witnessing such an unholy alliance."
Genevieve bares her teeth at him.
"Balls?" Danneel asks with wide-eyed innocence. She slaps her forehead and chuckles. "I'm sorry, I keep forgetting you're not actually a lesbian, Ackles."
Jensen winks at her. "Sugar, if I were a lesbian, I'd spend my days following you around like a love-sick puppy." It's the truth. If Jensen were even a little bit into girls, he'd be head over heels for Danneel.
"We should hang out more," Danneel says happily. "Are you here alone?"
"No." Jensen looks around. "I believe my date is fetching me another drink. He's dd-ing it tonight." Alex walks up right after that and Jensen makes the introductions.
"Looks like your roommate is having a good time." Alex's tone is either judgmental or concerned. Jensen honestly can't tell which. Either way, he's not wrong.
"Yeah, I'm not sure what's going on there," Jensen admits. Jared is beyond trashed. As drunk as Jensen's ever seen him, including the night he and Brock broke up. Maybe it's just because he isn't playing Alcohol Nanny to Jensen tonight and he's walking home, but it still makes Jensen uneasy. Too much has been out of the ordinary lately to add this to the mix.
"Hey, Jensen," Genevieve says brightly. "Can I borrow you for a second? Girl talk," she adds at Danneel's surprised look.
"Uh. Sure." Jensen wonders what Genevieve wants as he follows her down the hall. They're friendly enough, but she really belongs to Jared. She's like his Kristen. "What's up?" he asks when they're out of earshot.
"Okay, look. This is kind of a dick move on my part and Jared would kill me if he knew I was saying this to you, but." She chews her lip and looks out at the party. "I know you can't help how you feel. That's not your fault. I'm just saying that maybe you could keep Jared's feelings in mind, too?"
"What?" Jensen's completely thrown by that. He has no idea what she thinks he's doing wrong. "I'm trying to." He brought a date to the party, he's trying to move on and not make things awkward. What more does she want from him?
She looks past him to where Alex is talking to Danneel and smirks. "Yeah. I can see you're making quite the effort."
"What was that about?" Alex asks when Jensen rejoins him and Genevieve and Danneel wander off.
"Lesbians are crazy is what that was about."
Jensen rubs his hand over his face and surveys the party. It's still in full swing, but he's starting to feel pretty exhausted. When he realizes that Jared is going from group to group, offering to grant a wish in exchange for kisses, he thinks it's a good time to call it a night.
"I think I need to get him home," Jensen tells Alex as they watch Misha and Chad try to manage Jared. "He's done it for me enough times. I owe him one."
"Do you want me to drive you guys back?"
For a moment, Jensen thinks about refusing, but Jared is very big and very drunk and it might be the best possible solution at this point. "That would be great, man. Thanks."
"Hey, Jensen. I'm a mermaid," Jared says as Jensen, Misha and Chad maneuver him to Alex's car.
"I know, buddy." Jensen opens the passenger door for him, as trying to fit Jared into the backseat would be difficult on a good day.
At some point, Jared lost the wig and the coconut bra, so he's now wandering around in the skirt and his sneakers. Jensen has no idea how he isn't freezing his ass off.
"Wish for a kiss?" Jared furrows his brow. "Kiss for a wish?" he asks more cautiously.
"I think I'll pass this time. I've got it from here, guys," he says to Misha and Chad. "Thanks."
"Yeah." Jared's expression crumples and he sighs, leaning against the car. "I thought you might say that."
"Why don't you get in the car and we can go home and go to bed, huh?"
Jared eyes him warily. "Alone."
"Yeah, Jay." Jensen sighs and looks over at Alex. He has no idea what he's thinking of this conversation, but it can't be good. "Alone."
"Fine." Jared slides into the car with surprising grace.
Jensen shuts the door behind him after making sure the skirt is all tucked inside and gets into the back seat. "Thanks for doing this," he tells Alex as he starts the car.
"No problem," Alex says. Jensen doesn't know him well enough to know whether or not he means that, but he's grateful all the same.
"Hey, Jensen." Jared is leaning his head against the window and his breath steams up the glass as he breathes. "I'm sorry."
"It's cool. I think I still owe you one from New Year's Eve." Jared reaches over the seat to pat his shoulder, momentarily forgetting that Jared isn't wearing a shirt. His skin is smooth and warm and the touch ends up being more of a caress than a pat.
"No. I mean." Jared makes a frustrated noise and when he speaks again, his voice is a little quieter. "That thing that we're not talking about. I know we're not talking about it, but I'm sorry."
Jensen's throat tightens at that and he looks down at his hands while he answers. "It's cool. Don't—You don't have to apologize for that, Jared. It's not your fault."
"I don't want you to hate me," Jared says miserably.
"Don't worry, man. I don't think that's even possible."
When they get to the house, Jensen asks Alex to wait for a minute as he gets Jared inside. He leaves him drinking a glass of water and hurries back out to the car. Alex is leaning against the passenger's side, studying his shoes.
"Sorry about that. He's usually not like that."
"It's cool." Alex looks up at him and smiles. "I've had fun hanging out with you, Jensen."
Something in his tone makes Jensen cringe. He scratches the back of his neck and looks away. "So, that's it, then?"
"I like you, but I kind of feel like I'm stepping into the middle of something here."
Jensen wants to tell him that he's not, that this isn't what it looks like at all. But that's a lie and Jensen is too tired and doesn't care enough to make something up. "More like the end than the middle?" At Alex's skeptical look he adds, "Possibly an epilogue to follow. I don't know."
"Well, good luck with that."
"Thanks." He watches Alex get back in his car and drive off and he doesn't even feel a little bit bummed about it. Which means that either Alex was the wrong guy completely or it's going to take a lot more than Jensen wants to think about to get over the whole Jared thing.
Jensen goes on a few more dates with different people between Halloween and Thanksgiving. Without exception, he gets home at a decent hour, spends the rest of the evening with Jared and doesn't call any of the guys back for a second date. It's frustrating and his newfound celibacy is making him feel a little crazy. He'd gotten so far as necking in the car with one guy, but he kept remembering Jared's hands on him, Jared's mouth slanting aggressively over his and he found himself not all that interested in the hipster kid he was actually kissing.
It's a problem.
Luckily, Thanksgiving arrives and distracts Jensen from the tatters of his former love life. He spends the holiday at home with his family for the first time since college and it's really good. His mom can tell he's distracted and Jensen tells her part of the story. That he's dating and it's rough, that he wants to find someone who brings out the best in him.
She smiles and tells him, "The Lord brings the right people into our lives when he thinks we're ready for them, baby." Which is well-meaning and a sweet thought, but not very helpful as far as practical applications are concerned.
The family time is nice, but Jensen is grateful to get back to Seattle, back to his house with his own bed and all of his stuff. Back to Jared.
Unfortunately, with their schedules, he doesn't really get to spend any time with Jared for another week and even then, Jared is distracted and scattered, busy with school stuff again. Jensen misses him.
It isn't until the quarter is over and Jared is packing to go home that Jensen has a chance to have an actual conversation with him. He's sprawled on Jared's bed, watching as Jared puts stuff in his suitcase, then takes it out again. Jared is one of the worst packers Jensen's ever seen. He finds it highly entertaining.
"So, I was thinking. What would you say to Austin again for New Year's? If I promise not to, y'know, drink an entire bottle of champagne." Jensen holds up his hand, placing the other over his heart. "Scout's honor."
Jared's mouth twitches into a smile. "You weren't a scout."
"It's the thought that counts. What do you say?"
"Um. Maybe." Jared takes one pair of jeans out of his suitcase and replaces them with another, as far as Jensen can tell, identical pair. "I'm not sure what's going on with the family."
"Okay." Jensen scratches his neck and frowns. "I guess I'll make the reservations just in case? I'd rather have them and then if we have to cancel or whatever."
"That's—Whatever. I don't really care." Jared looks at the stack of shirts and sweaters still sitting on the bed, grabs a handful and just stuffs it in his suitcase. He frowns at the pile and says, "Actually, I kind of wanted to. Um. I've been thinking." Jared stares at his clothes like he's willing them into submission.
Or very much avoiding looking at Jensen.
"Okay," Jensen says slowly. "About what?"
"I think that when we get back, I'm going to start looking for my own place."
It's so brutally unexpected, Jensen feels like the breath has been squeezed out of him. He boggles at Jared for several long moments and Jared stares at his suitcase. "You, uh. You mind telling me why?" Jensen finally manages.
Jared's eyes flick up to Jensen's face at that, his gaze completely shuttered. "I just think it's a good time." He looks away again as Jensen tries not to completely lose his mind.
"Right. Okay." It's such bullshit, Jensen doesn't even know where to start. Jared still has a year and a half of grad school left. He's going to be insanely busy next quarter and he can't exactly afford to live on his own. Now is, in fact, the worst possible time for him to move and Jensen feels so panicked and frustrated at the moment that he kind of wants to punch him.
What do you want me to do? Jensen wants to ask. Jesus, Jared, I'm trying. Just tell me what to do and I'll do it, because your friendship is more important than anything else.
"Jared." Jensen waits for Jared to look at him, but the pause stretches long enough for him to realize that's not going to happen. He rolls off of the bed and watches Jared for another moment before shaking his head. "Do whatever the hell you want, man." He slaps the doorjamb on the way out.
They don't talk for the rest of the evening and when Jensen wakes up the next day, Jared is already gone.
Jensen goes home a few days after Jared and for the first time, he's actively glad to be leaving Seattle. The house is huge and silent and oppressive with Jared gone. And lonely.
As soon as he steps into his parent's house, he's swept up in a whirlwind of holiday activity, shopping and cooking and eating. Everyone catching up, playing games after dinner, watching movies before bed. It's nice and Jensen doesn't have to think or worry or be on his guard. If anything good came out of his period of estrangement with his family, it's that he's no longer hesitant about being himself around them. It's a good time and place for him to take cover and lick his wounds.
"You want to talk about it?" His mom flips on the kitchen light, totally busting Jensen as he digs around in the freezer after-hours for the peppermint ice cream.
He finally finds the carton and tugs it out before turning to face his mom. Everyone else has been in bed for awhile and he figured he could get in some quality moping time.
"Ice cream?" Jensen offers. His mom gives him a pointed look and Jensen sighs. "How much do you actually want to hear, Momma?" Just because he knows he's not going to get kicked out of the family doesn't mean that his parents are one hundred percent okay with hearing about his love life.
"As much as you want to tell me." She pulls out a chair and sits down at the kitchen table.
"Okay." Jensen nods to himself and gets a bowl out of the cupboard. He spoons out some ice cream and puts the carton back in the freezer before sitting down next to her.
She's wearing her robe over her pajamas and she looks exactly as she's always looked. A little older, maybe. A few grey hairs here and there, but she's so very mom-like and her presence is comforting. Jensen wants to tell her everything and have her fix it with her magic Mom powers.
"I'm in love with Jared." Jensen's had enough time to mull it over in his mind that he can say it now with out the "maybe" and "sort of" qualifiers. When he looks at his mom, she doesn't seem all that surprised. "Everyone else I've told has had their 'I told you so' moments, so feel free."
"If that's your way of asking if I suspected your feelings for him ran deeper than friendship..." She spreads her hands on the table and shrugs. "You light up when you're around him, baby. A mother can tell."
Jensen rolls his eyes at that. He's always amused when she claims to have magic maternal knowledge, despite the fact that he attributes it to her himself. "Yeah, well, he doesn't feel the same way."
"You've talked about it?"
"No. We have very pointedly not talked about it." Jensen takes a bite of his ice cream, letting it melt in his mouth so that he can suck on the bits of candy before continuing. "Anyway, now he's talking about moving out, because it's weird for him or something. I don't know." He takes one deep breath, then another to fight back the panicky hurt feeling that clenches in his chest whenever he thinks about it. "I don't know what he wants, or doesn't want. I don't know what to do. I just. I don't want him to leave."
She reaches up and pats his cheek briefly, smiling sadly. "I'm not sure this is what you want to hear, but I think you're going to have to talk to him."
Jensen shakes his head. "I don't want to force it. I don't want to lose him."
"Sweetheart, from what you're saying, it sounds like you're already there. Now hear me out," she says before he can protest. "What has tiptoeing around the issue gotten you? If he's at the point of leaving now, what have you got to lose?"
"What if I do? If I tell him everything and he still wants to leave?" Jensen can't help the way his voice goes rough at that. It's something he doesn't even want to contemplate.
"Then at least you won't spend the rest of your life wondering what would have happened if you'd taken the chance." She pats his hand. "You know how I said God brings you the right people at the right time?"
"Yeah."
"He also helps those who help themselves." She smiles like she realizes just how cheesy that sounds. "Talk to Jared. If it wasn't meant to be, then it wasn't meant to be. But at least then you'll have tried."
"Okay." Jensen nods and stirs his spoon around in his now-soupy ice cream. "I'll talk to him. It's gonna suck, but I'll do it."
She stands up and kisses his head. "That's my boy."
A few minutes later, after she's headed up to bed, Jensen pulls out his phone and texts Jared.
u up?
The phone rings a minute later. "It's after midnight."
Jensen laughs. "That's why I asked if you were up. Hey."
"Hey." Jared sounds amused, his voice low and warm and rough. "What's going on?" They've only exchanged a couple of texts since Jared left and it's already kind of awkward.
"Meet me in Austin for New Year's," Jensen blurts out. It wasn't what he'd planned to say, but suddenly he wants to have the conversation face-to-face. Or maybe he just wants to postpone it for a few more days. "Please, Jay? If you're gonna—I mean. We should at least end the year on a good note. You and me." Us.
He can hear the gust of air as Jared sighs and the silence stretches long enough that Jensen wants to blurt something stupid out because that would be more bearable. Finally Jared laughs and says, "Yeah, okay. Why the fuck not, right?"
"Right," Jensen says. It's not exactly the answer he wanted, but he'll definitely take it. "Thanks, Jared. Seriously."
"Yeah, man. It'll be fun. Give me a call tomorrow and we'll work out logistics." Jared sounds resigned more than anything and Jensen realizes his mom is right. When all is said and done, Jensen may very well crash and burn, but he's pretty sure that it's better than continuing to fall indefinitely.
"Will do."
Jensen's plan, if he can call it that, is to lay it all on the line as soon as they meet up. Put everything out there and see what happens. Then they can either start the year together, or on their own. Logically, Jensen knows that New Year's isn't really different from any other day, but he keeps thinking of that thing—how you spend New Year's Eve is how you'll spend the rest of the year. Jensen wants to spend it with Jared.
Unfortunately, Jared isn't aware of the plan and he bulldozes through it in a way that Jensen is unable, or perhaps reluctant, to avoid. As soon as they get to the hotel, Jared hops in the shower and when he's done, he insists that they get ready and go out because he's starving half to death.
The restaurant they end up in is crowded and noisy and not at all conducive to the conversation Jensen wants to have, and from there they're on to the bars. It's like Jared already knows what he's going to say and is doing everything in his power to avoid having to interact with Jensen directly. Jensen lets him, his determination wavering. He wonders if he should accept what Jared's actions are saying and let it go. Enjoy this one last hurrah and let Jared go.
They end up at a different bar than the one they were at last year, though this one is no less noisy or crowded. Jensen is sticking to beer for the evening and Jared follows suit. There is a band playing, someone Jensen's never heard of. He and Jared stand next to each other, drink their beers and watch a show that neither of them gives a shit about. The hours leading up to midnight seem interminable.
As the countdown begins at the minute mark, Jared bends down to Jensen and says, "Gotta pee. Be right back." He's already weaving his way through the crowd by the time Jensen looks up, startled.
"Like hell." Jensen is only mildly buzzed, if that, and he's suddenly pissed. If he had to suffer through this entire horrible evening of complete shit, he's at least getting a midnight kiss for his trouble. He follows after Jared and makes it into the bathroom as the crowd hits "Ten!"
Jared is standing at the sink, scrubbing his hands over his face and they're alone in there because everyone else is obviously smart enough to not ring in the New Year in the bathroom.
"I'm not getting my kiss from some random fucker," Jensen says at Jared's startled look. He tugs Jared's arm until Jared turns around and crowds him against the counter. There's a roar out in the bar as Jared stares at him. After a split-second's hesitation, Jensen reaches up and pulls Jared down with both hands because, for better or worse, they're here together right now and if this is all Jensen gets, he's going for broke.
The moment they get close enough, before their lips even touch, Jared responds like he's been shocked and he's the one who closes the remaining distance. It's as good as Jensen remembers it, better because he's expecting it this time. He's kissing Jared back and it's full-on battle for dominance because this time Jensen knows what he wants and he's ready to take it if Jared's offering it up.
Jensen presses Jared back against the counter, even as Jared tugs at his hips to bring them closer together. He threads his fingers through Jared's hair as Jared sucks at his bottom lip, biting down hard enough that Jensen feels it all over before he slots their mouths back together. They kiss desperate and hungry, like they can make up for two years of wanting this in the next two minutes and Jensen wants to sob with relief.
They only break apart when the door bangs open and someone says, "Uh. Sorry," before ducking out again.
"Jesus." Jensen keeps his eyes closed as he presses his forehead against Jared's and laughs. "Tell me that we can go back to the hotel now and continue this." He's completely turned-on, lightheaded and overheated in the stuffy little bathroom and Jared is hard against his hip. He hasn't let Jensen go.
When Jared doesn't answer Jensen opens his eyes, leans back enough that he can see Jared's face. Jared's eyes are dark, his pupils wide as he looks at Jensen with a heated sort of focus that makes Jensen's dick throb. "Or here. I could make here work."
Jared smiles then. His lips are pink from kissing and all Jensen wants to do is kiss him again. "Hotel would be better."
"Thank God." Jensen leans in for another kiss that doesn't end up being quite as short as he intends it, but he's able to break it off before they really start to go at it again. "I'm too old to be fucking in bathrooms."
"Fuck." Jared makes a frustrated noise and steps around Jensen and out of the bathroom, apparently just assuming that Jensen will follow him.
In all fairness, it's a safe assumption for him to make.
How they make it back to the hotel, Jensen honestly can't say. All his concentration is taken up keeping his hands off of Jared on the way. He's able to hold out until the hotel door shuts behind them and then he has Jared pressed up against it, kissing him again because Jared's mouth is incredible, perfect. Jensen wants to set up camp there and never leave.
Jared's hands come up between them, fumbling with the buttons of Jensen's shirt until he realizes they're pearl snaps and yanks. He pushes the shirt off of Jensen's shoulders and down his arms where it gets tangled in Jensen's attempts to speed the process along. For a moment he's caught up in it and Jared twists the material in his grip, pulling Jensen's arms tighter behind him.
Jensen breaks the kiss to look up at him, but it's still dark in the room and Jared's face is half in shadow. He can feel the intensity of Jared's stare, though, as Jared gives the shirt a little tug and Jensen full-body shudders. "Yeah." Jensen nods and jerks his hips against Jared's. "Fuck, yeah. We can—"
The rest of his sentence is lost in the wet heat of Jared's mouth and Jensen does eventually free his hands when Jared lets go of the shirt to map the bare skin of Jensen's back.
"Want," Jensen pants between kisses. "Jared. Jared." His problem is that he wants everything all at once. He has no idea where to start and he can't actually stop kissing Jared long enough to even think about it.
"God, Jensen," Jared whispers against his lips. "Anything." He's undoing Jensen's jeans as he says it and he gets a hand down there, cupping Jensen through his boxers. Jensen makes a broken, needy sound as he bucks against Jared's hand.
"Please. Fuck, Jared. Please, just—" Jensen breaks off when Jared moves to slip his hand underneath the elastic.
Jared's hand his huge, his skin hot as he closes his fingers around Jensen's cock. It's the most amazing feeling in the world. He's already so hard, wants this so much and he's not used to denying himself. There's no way he's going to last long. Jensen wants to taste Jared's mouth again, but after a few clumsy attempts, he quits trying. Instead, he pants against him and clutches at his shoulders as Jared jerks him off, steady and perfect.
"Come on, Jen." Jared moves so he's talking into Jensen's ear, his voice a low, dirty rumble. "Wanna see you come apart for me." Jensen nods and Jared leans back to watch him with his gorgeous, slanted cat-eyes. "So fucking sexy. All the time. Drives me insane." Jared's strokes speed up and Jensen teeters on the edge, every muscle in his body drawn tight with pleasure.
"Jared," is all he manages to say before he tips over, shaking as he comes, jizz coating his stomach, the inside of his underwear and Jared's fist. "Fuck." He finally bats Jared's hand away and Jared laughs rough and breathless as he eases his hand out of Jensen's pants.
Jensen surges up to kiss him again, the edge of desperation slightly dulled, but he is nowhere near satisfied. He ignores the squelch in his shorts and the fact that Jared places his sticky hand low on Jensen's back in favor of the way Jared's tongue curls against his. "Wanna blow you," he says when he finally steps back. "Okay?" He tugs Jared's jeans open without really waiting for an answer.
There's a thunk as Jared hits his head back against the door and his laugh sounds strained. "Is the answer to that ever no?"
"No," Jensen concedes as he drops to the floor. He tugs Jared's jeans down over his hips, the boxers he's more careful with, easing the elastic over Jared's erection before shoving them out of his way. "You put that hand on my hair and we're gonna have words," Jensen says, and he can feel Jared wiping his hand on his shirt as he ducks down to take the head of Jared's cock into his mouth.
Jared's dick is in proportion with the rest of his body and Jensen can only take so much, his jaw stretched wide as he bobs his head down and moves back again. He curves one hand around the base of Jared's cock to stroke what he can't reach with his mouth and braces his other hand against Jared's hip, rubbing his thumb against the smooth skin there.
It's incredibly fucking hot, the weight of Jared against his tongue, the bitter, musky taste of him. Amazing and messy, no time at all before Jensen's hand and chin are slick with spit and if Jensen hadn't just shot, he's sure he'd be getting off on this without Jared having to touch him at all.
"Christ, Jensen." Jared sounds awed as his fingertips skip over Jensen's forehead, his cheek, down to trace where Jensen's lips are stretched around him before moving his hand to the back of Jensen's head. Not pushing or pulling, just resting there.
Jensen glances up at him, wishing they'd bothered to turn on the lights so that he could see Jared's face better. It's all shadows and angles and Jensen wants to watch, see Jared's lips part as he pants and makes those hungry little noises. He moans a little at the thought and Jared's hips twitch forward in response. It makes Jensen want to practice, do this over and over until he can take it all, wants to feel Jared fuck his mouth until he comes down his throat. When he moans again, Jared tugs at his hair, gentle but urgent.
"Fuck, Jensen. Gonna. Fuck. Fuck." Jared whimpers as Jensen pulls off with an obscene wet slurp and holds off long enough for Jensen to sit back on his heels.
It takes less than two full strokes of Jensen's hand before Jared is coming, folding up on himself as it hits Jensen's chest in fat, sticky ropes.
"So," Jensen's voice is scratchy as he stands, forcing Jared to straighten up. "How long before we can do that again?"
Jared laughs at that and Jensen kisses him just to feel it against his lips.
"Don't go," he whispers when they break apart. "Please."
"Where am I going?" Jared sounds sleepy and satisfied and he looks so content that Jensen's heart thumps happily in his chest.
Jensen leans in to kiss him again. "The house. Don't move out. I don't want you to leave."
There's a moment there where everything feels perfect, resolved. Then Jared tenses against him and grabs Jensen's shoulders, gently moving him back. "You're unbelievable," he says quietly, bending to tug his boxers and pants back up.
The words and the tone are at odds and Jensen has no idea what caused the shift, why the tension is back full-force. Jared pushes him back a little bit more and then steps past him. They hadn't even made it three feet into the room.
"Okay, I've clearly missed something." Jensen turns to watch Jared walk toward the bathroom.
"We should get cleaned up. Go to bed. We both have a drive to make tomorrow." Jared's voice is flat, his words clipped and terse.
"Jared." Jensen flounders for what to say. He's so completely lost as to what just happened and Jared is giving nothing away as he stands at the sink and cleans himself off with a damp washcloth. "Can you just tell me what's going on?"
"You might want to get a shower." It's all Jared will say to him and Jensen realizes that his voice is actually shaking. Like Jared is pissed off.
So Jensen takes his advice, walks past Jared without saying a word and into the tiny bathroom. He steps out of his sticky clothes, grimacing as he peels the material away from his body. He leaves them in a pile on the floor. Thankfully he'd thought to pack a second pair of jeans.
The hot water feels good, soothes his nerves a little and he figures maybe once he's out of the shower, Jared will have calmed down enough to actually talk to him because right now Jensen feels a little insane. Neither of them is drunk and Jared was a very willing participant in what happened. It wasn't until afterward that he flipped out and Jensen honestly can't figure out what set him off.
He's feeling better by the time he shuts the water off, positive that whatever snag they've hit, it can be worked out. But when he goes back into the room, all the lights are out and Jared is in the middle of the outside bed, his back to the bathroom and Jensen.
"What, are you fucking five, dude?" Jensen asks, but he gets no answer. He digs around in his bag for a clean pair of boxers and pulls them on. "Jared," he tries once more. When Jared doesn't move to acknowledge him, Jensen frowns and climbs into the empty bed.
There's absolutely no way they're not talking about this in the morning. Jensen promises himself that as he closes his eyes to try and get some sleep. It's impossible, of course, and he lays there for hours, his eyes closed, listening to Jared not sleep in the other bed.
"Jensen, c'mon. Wake up." Jared is shaking his shoulder and it takes a few moments for Jensen to get his bearings.
The previous night comes rushing back to him and when he opens his eyes, Jared straightens immediately and turns away from him. "Checkout is in an hour."
"Okay." Jensen still has his contacts in, scratchy and dry when he blinks, which figures. He gets up and goes into the bathroom. Pisses and then grabs the clothes that he left crumpled on the floor, bundling them up before walking back into the room and shoving them in his bag.
Jared is watching the weather channel with more concentration than it warrants as Jensen gets dressed. He wants to take his contacts out, but it's already sunny outside and he'll need his sunglasses on the drive back to his parents' house, so he takes them out, cleans them and puts them back in.
Once he has all his shit together, he walks over to the TV and hits the power button before looking at Jared. "You know we're not leaving until we talk about it. What happened last night?"
"Thought you, of all people, would recognize it," Jared says.
That hits its mark and Jensen smirks. "Yeah, the sex I actually figured out. It's the Jekyll and Hyde you pulled afterward that I'm having a little trouble with."
Jared makes a face like he's trying not to sneer and then stands up and walks away from Jensen, around to the other side of the bed where his bag is sitting, ready to go. "I just wish that—" He wrinkles his nose and smiles bitterly. "If you wanted something from me, you should've just said so."
Jensen's not sure how to track that line of thought and he shakes his head, confused.
"Like." Jared makes a frustrated noise, his hands clenching at his sides. "What? Now if I don't move out, I get to fuck you?"
It's the absolute last thing Jensen was expecting and it stuns him as he tries to arrange it in some way that makes sense. He'd have been less surprised if Jared had punched him. That probably wouldn't have hurt so much. Jensen opens his mouth a few times before he manages to get out an, "Oh. Is that?" He has to stop, force a few breaths through the tightening in his chest. He licks his lips and tries again. "Is that really what you think of me?" When Jared looks away, doesn't otherwise respond, Jensen nods. "Oh. Okay."
He starts gathering his stuff, sort of blindly, but luckily he had it all in one place. His keys are in his pocket and fuck it if he forgot anything else. He's almost to the door, ready to walk out, but he knows if he does that, there's no going back, so he stops. Clenches his jaw and then releases it.
"Out of respect for what our friendship has been, whatever this is now, I'm going to assume you didn't mean that to sound like it did." Jensen's voice is low and he can feel it waver. There's no way he can actually look at Jared and get this out, so he stares at the door in front of him.
"I admit that I haven't always been overly discerning in who I fuck and whatever you think that makes me... Whatever. I don't have to justify it to you. But just so we're clear, if I fuck someone, it's because I want sex. That's where it begins and ends." His heart is pounding in his throat and he can feel his anger, slow boiling under the surface. "I have not ever felt the need to whore myself out for anything or anyone. I certainly didn't start last night with you."
Jensen risks a glance at Jared, then. His eyes are wide and his skin chalky under his perpetual tan.
"No. Jensen, I didn't—"
That's as far as Jensen lets him get before he leaves the room, slamming the door behind him. He makes it to his parents' car, gets his stuff loaded, starts the engine. Jared doesn't come after him and Jensen feels like the world's biggest idiot for ever thinking he would.
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