SPN Coda: 5x04
Oct. 1st, 2009 05:19 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
errant_janeThe End Coda
***
They stop for the night when they pass a motel sign and the silence in the confines of the car, awkward and oppressive, has finally gotten to Dean.
He didn't think it was possible, but stopping is worse. The dance is familiar, but they seem hopelessly out of step as they try to readjust to working as a unit again. Each of them is overly solicitous, fiercely protecting this fragile new truce.
Sam offers Dean dibs on the bathroom and Dean spends his entire shower thinking about a world where toilet paper is a precious commodity. He’s never showered faster.
When he walks back into the room, Sam is sprawled on the bed closest to the wall because Dean always takes the one closest to the door. He flips the book he's reading closed as soon as Dean walks past him and mutters something about research. It's the Bible.
"Not a bad idea," Dean says, but he doesn’t pick it up, even after Sam shuts the bathroom door behind him. He flips on the TV instead.
It’s only a couple of minutes before Sam’s done in the bathroom. He didn’t shower, but he didn’t spend the past few days in the zombie apocalyptic future, either. He crawls into bed and rolls on his side facing Dean, so close to the edge that he looks like he's about to fall off. As if the gap between their beds is the distance they need to bridge.
Dean flips through a few more channels, skipping past the news networks to the Disney channel. He misses the classic cartoons they used to show when they were kids. Disney lost all relevance when they started trying too hard to be hip.
Sam rustles around a little more, reaches over and turns off the light between them. Dean doesn’t look at him.
"Dean—" Sam sighs and Dean tenses, realizes he’s been waiting for this.
But after a long pause, Sam only says, "Goodnight."
"Night, Sam," Dean manages. He flips off the TV and tries to settle in, quiet his mind enough to sleep. He's completely exhausted and wide awake. So he watches Sam, who apparently has no such problems.
Sam's face is relaxed, his mouth open and he's already starting to drool a little. He's not fully snoring yet, but there's a start to it and this Dean knows. His chest aches with the relief at regaining this particular burden. It's as familiar as sex, which is a weird analogy, but it might be the only other thing he knows to the core of his being. Sex, hunting and Sam.
Because Dean does know Sam. Better than he knows himself in some ways. In other ways, maybe not at all, but Dean feels like he might have a better handle on that, too. He always thought that he couldn't live without Sam and never stopped to wonder how Sam would do without him. Sam had, after all, left at one point.
It's only now that Dean sees the difference between walking away from someone and actually losing them.
Dean can walk away from Sam, can let Sam walk away. They can live apart, but they can’t afford to lose each other again. The world wouldn't survive it and he wonders if this is the lesson his future self was trying to get across. He can't imagine actually trying to convince himself to become Michael's vessel. There is no version of him that could ever kill Sam.
Not even if he isn't Sam anymore.
And that's why Dean can't sleep. He keeps seeing the mockery of Sam's features, serene and sad. The devil playing dress-up with the most beloved thing in Dean’s world. He's fairly certain his nightmares have a new focus.
"Dude, you're starting to make me a little self-conscious."
Dean starts. He hadn’t noticed the change in Sam's breathing.
Sam props himself up on his elbow and wipes his mouth with his other hand, making a face when his fingers come away wet.
"Dean, are we?" He shakes his head and rolls his eyes. "Look, I know, okay? I know I fucked up and I know we’re not okay. I know."
"Sam—"
"What I need to know is" Sam says, cutting him off. "Is it even a possibility?"
It hurts that Sam would ask that, even though Dean knows he hasn't given him a reason not to. He wonders if that's how Lucifer got him, in that other world. If it was the absence of hope that made Sam say yes.
"Yeah, Sammy," Dean finally says. "It might take us a while to remember how to do this, but yeah. We’re gonna be fine."
"Okay." Sam nods, taking Dean at his word because Sam needs something to believe in and Dean remembers this, too. The feeling of being Sam’s hero. More than that, Dean remembers how much he needs to be that to someone. To Sam.
Sam will say no because he wants redemption. Dean just wants to believe that such a thing is possible.
***
They stop for the night when they pass a motel sign and the silence in the confines of the car, awkward and oppressive, has finally gotten to Dean.
He didn't think it was possible, but stopping is worse. The dance is familiar, but they seem hopelessly out of step as they try to readjust to working as a unit again. Each of them is overly solicitous, fiercely protecting this fragile new truce.
Sam offers Dean dibs on the bathroom and Dean spends his entire shower thinking about a world where toilet paper is a precious commodity. He’s never showered faster.
When he walks back into the room, Sam is sprawled on the bed closest to the wall because Dean always takes the one closest to the door. He flips the book he's reading closed as soon as Dean walks past him and mutters something about research. It's the Bible.
"Not a bad idea," Dean says, but he doesn’t pick it up, even after Sam shuts the bathroom door behind him. He flips on the TV instead.
It’s only a couple of minutes before Sam’s done in the bathroom. He didn’t shower, but he didn’t spend the past few days in the zombie apocalyptic future, either. He crawls into bed and rolls on his side facing Dean, so close to the edge that he looks like he's about to fall off. As if the gap between their beds is the distance they need to bridge.
Dean flips through a few more channels, skipping past the news networks to the Disney channel. He misses the classic cartoons they used to show when they were kids. Disney lost all relevance when they started trying too hard to be hip.
Sam rustles around a little more, reaches over and turns off the light between them. Dean doesn’t look at him.
"Dean—" Sam sighs and Dean tenses, realizes he’s been waiting for this.
But after a long pause, Sam only says, "Goodnight."
"Night, Sam," Dean manages. He flips off the TV and tries to settle in, quiet his mind enough to sleep. He's completely exhausted and wide awake. So he watches Sam, who apparently has no such problems.
Sam's face is relaxed, his mouth open and he's already starting to drool a little. He's not fully snoring yet, but there's a start to it and this Dean knows. His chest aches with the relief at regaining this particular burden. It's as familiar as sex, which is a weird analogy, but it might be the only other thing he knows to the core of his being. Sex, hunting and Sam.
Because Dean does know Sam. Better than he knows himself in some ways. In other ways, maybe not at all, but Dean feels like he might have a better handle on that, too. He always thought that he couldn't live without Sam and never stopped to wonder how Sam would do without him. Sam had, after all, left at one point.
It's only now that Dean sees the difference between walking away from someone and actually losing them.
Dean can walk away from Sam, can let Sam walk away. They can live apart, but they can’t afford to lose each other again. The world wouldn't survive it and he wonders if this is the lesson his future self was trying to get across. He can't imagine actually trying to convince himself to become Michael's vessel. There is no version of him that could ever kill Sam.
Not even if he isn't Sam anymore.
And that's why Dean can't sleep. He keeps seeing the mockery of Sam's features, serene and sad. The devil playing dress-up with the most beloved thing in Dean’s world. He's fairly certain his nightmares have a new focus.
"Dude, you're starting to make me a little self-conscious."
Dean starts. He hadn’t noticed the change in Sam's breathing.
Sam props himself up on his elbow and wipes his mouth with his other hand, making a face when his fingers come away wet.
"Dean, are we?" He shakes his head and rolls his eyes. "Look, I know, okay? I know I fucked up and I know we’re not okay. I know."
"Sam—"
"What I need to know is" Sam says, cutting him off. "Is it even a possibility?"
It hurts that Sam would ask that, even though Dean knows he hasn't given him a reason not to. He wonders if that's how Lucifer got him, in that other world. If it was the absence of hope that made Sam say yes.
"Yeah, Sammy," Dean finally says. "It might take us a while to remember how to do this, but yeah. We’re gonna be fine."
"Okay." Sam nods, taking Dean at his word because Sam needs something to believe in and Dean remembers this, too. The feeling of being Sam’s hero. More than that, Dean remembers how much he needs to be that to someone. To Sam.
Sam will say no because he wants redemption. Dean just wants to believe that such a thing is possible.
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(no subject)
Date: 2009-10-02 11:14 pm (UTC)So. Much. This. I had a discussion earlier with J about this and how Dean would never believe he was capable of making a permanent mark on anyone's life, even Sam's. I'm sure we've talked about it before. Doesn't mean I agree any less.
*draws hearts around coda*
(no subject)
Date: 2009-10-03 12:51 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-10-03 01:12 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-10-03 01:14 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-10-03 01:45 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-10-03 01:51 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-10-03 04:46 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-10-03 05:06 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-10-03 05:47 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-10-03 12:57 pm (UTC)Ohh, ouch. But a likely thought . . . *sighs*
Wonderful!
(no subject)
Date: 2009-10-03 01:19 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-10-03 01:22 pm (UTC)LESS THAN A WEEK NOW, OMG!!!
(no subject)
Date: 2009-10-03 01:22 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-10-03 01:24 pm (UTC)Thank you!! I'm glad you liked it!!
(no subject)
Date: 2009-10-03 11:40 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-10-04 02:32 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-10-06 11:57 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-10-06 11:57 pm (UTC)